Comments on: I Have a Question for You

By: Marriage: Where Jesus Shapes Our Lives « A Place For The God-Hungry

Marriage: Where Jesus Shapes Our Lives « A Place For The God-Hungry — Tue, 03 Oct 2006 11:31:30 +0000

[...] jpg" style="border-style: solid; border-width: 0px; margin: 0px; padding: 3px;" />In a recent post, I asked the question, "What is so difficult about marriage?" I combed through the comments and now want to give a summary of what many people said: Some have found marriage to be very difficult. Still others have found marriage to be difficult at different times or seasons. Some have not found marriage to be very difficult at all.Self-centeredness contributes to the difficulties of marriage.Determination to stay in the marriage was helpful. A few said they refused to bring up the possibility of divorce when in an argument.Some have struggled with resolving our conflicts and then moving on.Many cite unrealistic expectations as a contributor to difficulties.There are difficulties in which a contributing factor was the family of origin. In particular, some have come from homes that were dysfunctional and even abuse.One person noted that a particular challenge was to learn to accept her spouse just the way he was. Finally, one noted that marriages which are non-functional or dysfunctional are often that way for a variety of reasons. (Yes, I realize many other very good things were said in these comments but I just want to highlight these in particular today). There are often difficult moments or seasons in marriage. This is not necessarily a bad thing. I do not want to necessarily equate all difficulty or struggle as a negative. Can marriage be a negative experience? Sure. But that is not what I am talking about right now. What I want to think about right now is how Jesus uses the ordinary, everyday marriages of men and women to create a Christ-like people. How does he use this relationship to shape us as Christians? I first began to give this some thought after reading Gary Thomas’ fine book, Sacred Marriage a few years ago. As he notes in his book, marriage is not simply about happiness but holiness. That is, in marriage there is something going on that is even greater than personal happiness (as wonderful as that might be). In marriage, God desires to shape a Christ-like people. Marriage gives us plenty of opportunities to pursue self-centeredness. I may see myself as the center of life and measure everything by whether or not I am pleased or if it makes me happy. Yet, marriage also gives us much opportunity to express love to one another in a thousand different ways. In loving another, with faithful covenant love, we are behaving in a way that is more Christ-like. God can also used the frustrations of ordinary married life to make us Christ-like as well. As a Christ-follower, I want to pray that I will yield myself everyday to the one who can use the ordinary settings of my life, my job, my role as parent, and yes, my marriage to create a Christ-like person. How has your marriage helped you to move toward Christ-likeness? [...]

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 20:54:48 +0000

Dana,So glad you made this comment. Glad to hear that your counseling work has been helpful and fruitful. Thanks for your remarks regarding selfishness. I agree with you. Far too often, the word doesn’t mean that much in Christian circles. Thanks for dropping by.

By: Dana Ames

Dana Ames — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 20:07:29 +0000

Jim, I appreciate your thoughtful posts. I am wrapping up just over three years of individual counseling; my husband did not go with me. Nevertheless, things between us are better than they have been for years because I finally believe that I’m ok. That doesn’t mean I don’t have anything left to work on but if there truly is no condemnation in Christ Jesus, what in the world am I doing condemning myself, and buying into others’ condemnation of me? So I am learning to let go of all that condemnation stuff about myself and allow myself to be a human being. This has had unbelievably significant ramifications in all my relationships. One other thing that has become clear to me is that "selfishness" is somewhat of a blanket term in Christian jargon that really doesn’t say much. I find that what is thought of as "selfishness" is actually about competing goods and people’s attempts to get the good thing(s) they want by means of manipulation (sarcasm, angry outbursts, withholding affection, etc etc). The trick is to discover how to ask questions and tease out which good thing each party wants, and then figure out how to give what the other person legitimately wants. I think deep down we really do want to live in that sort of mutuality when we love someone. Dana Ames

By: Bryan Riley

Bryan Riley — Sun, 01 Oct 2006 00:07:47 +0000

Suddenly are you not only rudely awakened to the reality of marriage versus the dream you have created, but you also no longer have only one human being for which to be responsible. The person you most want to impress now has the opportunity to know the inside of you, which is often the part you most want to hide from others, particularly others whom you want to love you.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 23:16:43 +0000

Ted,I talk to many, many people who would echo what you say. They too grew up in dysfunctional homes or abusive homes. Children have absolutly no control over the home or circumstances that brought them into this world. Certainly, as adults, we ought to five one another much mercy and encouragement, regardless of what was lacking in our families.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 23:11:43 +0000

Annonymous,I really like what you say regarding expectations. So often we cling to unrealistic expectations instead of, as you say, readjusting them.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 23:06:05 +0000

Becky,Thanks for this comment. What you say about accepting someone as they are and loving them anyway is so important. I read this in your note, I thought about how important that is to our friendships as well.

By: BeckyR

BeckyR — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 22:07:24 +0000

My big thing to learn was to accept him as he is, not the things I’d like him to be for what I’d like it to bring to the marriage. At the time, I thought I was just wanting things to make the marriage better and better. Thing is, this has turned out to be the blessing for me, to be able to open up and love and accept love as it is now.
We had about 4 yrs of troubled marriage, we did marriage counseling and it helped in significant ways – for us to hear each other’s hearts and respond to that instead of what it got covered up with – dishes, dinner, finances, differences in choices. But one time I would have liked to have left him, I thought (or it was God) – I either accept him as he is, period, for real, period, or I leave him. Turns out, taking him as he is and being able to love him as he is, is a blessing for me. It also works out to how to love others in my life, and to broaden it’s implications even more. Not expecting others to live up to what is considered a good thing. Not expecting from others more than what they present, and able to accept love in that form and give love.
Hubby says our marriage lasted through those really hard times, divorce was being considered, because of stubbornness and the grace of God. Stubbornness on his part that this would not end, sutbbornness on my part that we would figure out how to operate together.
I don’t expect this to be the end. I think we cycle in and out of harder times in a marriage. But we are madly in love at this time and I’m enjoying it all I can!

By: annonymous

annonymous — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 17:59:24 +0000

I have found marriage to be the most difficult thing in my life – ever. It brings me great joy, but on the flipside, it has made me have to deal with both my own sin and that of my spouse. Being face to face with your own sin and someone elses on a regular basis is difficult. My sinful pride constantly arises to pronounce judgment on the sin of my spouse. When pride is not present, I feel upset and frustrated with myself for the way I’ve sinned against my spouse. It’s almost a small window into the way God must feel. What love and graciousness he has towards us. Yet what deep sorrow and pain he feels because of our sin. Yet we must remain faithful as he is faithful, through the power of the Spirit, and continue to press onwards. Marriage is difficult, at times revealing, at others too concealing. I don’t think people are ready for downs. Instead, I fear they enter into it for the ups. My expectations were definitely shattered, yet, that just meant I had to form new ones. True ones. Are we willing to do that? I don’t know.

By: Jennifer

Jennifer — Sat, 30 Sep 2006 17:19:38 +0000

I think one of the things that makes marriage more difficult than it needs to be is that we put expectations on it that it may never have been intended to carry. This seems especially true in the Christian community.
My spouse is my best friend and we have a good marriage. We enjoy each other deeply and are 100% committed to our marriage. BUT the message I hear, sometimes subtly and sometimes overtly, is that he should be my only source of close friendship.
Many Christian people would get nervous if I had a close girlfriend that I wanted to share life deeply with – and if that friend happened to be male, Christians bring out all kinds of accusations for that. The intimacy I share with my husband is satisfying and delightful, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t need other friendship (non-romantic) as well.