Comments on: What Do Sons Need?

By: Rey

Rey — Fri, 22 Feb 2008 23:38:44 +0000

This is a great post. These are all good answers. Unfortunately the men who need to hear all this advice don’t get it from their dads. because they were treated the same. Or they don’t get it from any other resources either. My father was in the military. Add to that, he came from an Hispanic background. So his idea of love was to put a roof over our heads, food on the table, and clothes on our back. This answer didn’t come from him either. I heard it from my step mother. Because my father was in the military and he separated from our mother when we were very young, we boys moved around a lot. We were watched by paid caretakers or relatives. The five years I finally did live with him, we spent no ‘one on one time’ together. Dad was either watching television, working in the yard, behind the newspaper, at work, drinking with his friends, or disciplining us boys. Affection- yes, very important. I never got any of that from my dad. Love- yes, very important. None was ever given by my dad in my eyes.Afirmation, yes also very important. Never got any of that from my dad. Guidance, yes, very important. Never got any guidance from my dad about life, sex, moral guidance, career, how to be a man, etc…. Funny, though he never gave me guidance into manhood, I distinctly remember throughout my life dad yelling at me and telling me I wasn’t a man! Along with moving around a lot, which means no real sense of family or belonging, and the above reasons it left a big hole in my life. So I was always looking for love everywhere else. I was also a follower willing to follow anyone who would pay attention to me. Spending most times with other families, getting into trouble, and even seeking sexual fulfillment from other men. (Trying to get that love I never got from dad.) I grew up with no real sense of direction, self esteem, couldn’t make decisions, didn’t know how to build anything, didn’t care about sports, never wanted to grow up or old, and was more interested in having fun.So these are some of the things that happen when a boy doesn’t get what he needs from a dad.It’s great for you guys to constantly remind yourself about these issues. But do more. Spread the word. If you see other young OR old men raising boys and the men are lacking in those areas with their sons……….. try to encourage and educate those guys in what they are doing!Just my own opinon.God bless those who listen to the Lord.Rey

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Wed, 20 Feb 2008 03:13:35 +0000

Tim,Having missed your father at some significant moments in your life, I suspect that you are very, very present in the lives of your own sons. You must be a very good father.

By: Tim Walters

Tim Walters — Sun, 17 Feb 2008 01:51:25 +0000

Thanks for your blog. I try to be there for my sons. I lost my father when I was a young boy . I missed him being there in my best of times and my worst of times.

By: Random Acts of Linkage #48 : Subversive Influence

Random Acts of Linkage #48 : Subversive Influence — Sat, 16 Feb 2008 12:15:31 +0000

[...] the needs of sons and [...]

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:30:23 +0000

Carl,Thank you for reminding all of us of the importance and priceless nature of affirmation. This is so true. As you indicate, it’s absence is painful.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:28:39 +0000

Richard (Graham),Very well said! What you are saying is so true. Love really does cover a multitude of things. I don’t think there is ever a day when a son stops needing the love of his parents.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:25:25 +0000

Richard (May)What a tribute to you and your Dad! I have always had nothing but the highest respect for your dad. This comment is one more reminder of why I deeply respect him.By the way–what a witness to your own children to be able to see this in their dad and grandfather.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:22:38 +0000

Chris–What a blessing you have. It says something about you that you will seek his counsel and that he is available and willing to give it.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 15 Feb 2008 10:21:04 +0000

Milton,A great comment. I agree with you completely. So true about our culture sending many, many messages that "boys will be boys"–forever.It seems that many boys are just abandoned emotionally by their fathers (often when they need him most.)I also like very much about what you say regarding the role of a man.

By: Carl Holmes

Carl Holmes — Thu, 14 Feb 2008 02:30:58 +0000

Affirmation, Affirmation and more affirmation. Mom and dad, but mostly from dad. I look back at times my dad did not do those things and I am sad, I look upon the times that he did with a great amount of joy and peace. Wisdom and direction both come from those times of affirmation. "I love you son, I like how you handled that situation, have you ever thought about it this way…" Affirmation that comes with some wisdom… truly priceless.