Comments on: Question: How Does a Person Come to be a Friend?

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Tue, 27 May 2008 13:31:25 +0000

Arlene,I have not read it though it is on my bookshelf waiting for me. I appreciate your bringing in the difference between expectancy and expectations. I need to read this book.

By: Arlene Kasselman

Arlene Kasselman — Mon, 26 May 2008 03:31:09 +0000

Jim
Have you read The Shack? There is a portion in there that talks about the difference between expectancy and expectation in friendship. When we begin introducing expectations into our friendships and start forming lists and laws we lose something. It is an interesting idea and one that really resonates with me in light of our relationship with God.
Expectancy conjures up something so alive, dynamic and positive but expectations often lead us down a road to bitterness.

By: Kathy Brunner

Kathy Brunner — Sun, 25 May 2008 22:02:41 +0000

Boy! What a loaded question and subject! Real true friendship is rare and a gift from God. He gives us those divine connections and in giving us those persons we need to do the work of taking time….time….and more time to give and take through the thick and thin of this life. Our life experiences seem to weed out those who are not willing to stick with us. There is a mix of grace, forgiveness, mercy unselfishness etc. that grows deeper with time. It’s a wonderful thing and such a comfort to grow older with a person who has been seasoned with lifes tests. Friendship is an art and truely a gift form God.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 24 May 2008 11:58:58 +0000

L.L.-- I think you make such an important point about proximity. "Mental and emotional proximity" is so important and may speak to how many of us have friends who live nowhere near us but are a significant part of our lives and remain very close friends.Greg-- Congratulations!Ted-- You describe so well what it means to love another person. Thanks.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 24 May 2008 11:49:34 +0000

Frank--You articulate well some of the fears that probably most of us have experienced regarding friendship. Thanks for expressing what some vary real and familiar concerns. I appreciate your honesty. Michelle-- In particular, I liked this line in your comment: Our defenses - our old, unhealed wounds - can keep new relationships out of our lives.This is so true. Like your relative, many people have been deeply hurt early in life and then live out of that wound for decades.glorybeam-- I like that line: "I saw friendship drive away." I suspect that many of us can relate to that experience.Kari-- I don't think I have really thought about the challenge quite as clearly as you have expressed it. "How to be an introvert in community." That really is a challenge and I suspect probably greater for some introverts than for others. Anyway, thanks for expressing this so well. Jonell-- I like what you said about realizing that you can't crowd in on your friends other relationships realizing that they are probably deeper due to amount of time that has transpired with these other relationships. There is a maturity in that statement that is refreshing.Thanks for the George Elliot quote. I saw this sometime, somewhere but had long forgotten about it. I am going to clip this. Thanks.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Sat, 24 May 2008 11:29:34 +0000

Arlene–I really like the point you made regarding the willingness to be known. This is so important and it probably says something if, after a reasonable amount of time has passed, either we or they are still unwilling to reveal much about the self. (I will be sure to read your recent post on friendship.)Matthew–Thank you. I have felt that same sense of "honor" especially when I come to know more about this person’s character and integrity.Mark– You said much in a couple of sentences. Good points. Thanks so much.Connie– I like the phrase you used, "…there must be the willingness to extend yourself for another person." I think this is so important both in giving and in receiving friendship. I remember watching a good friend a number of years ago, extend himself to several friends. I recall that at some moment it was like a light had been turned on as I realized how important these friends were to him. I have also learned to appreciate moments where I sense that a friend is extending himself toward me in some way that reflects that our friendship is valuable to him.

By: Ted Gossard

Ted Gossard — Fri, 23 May 2008 23:38:19 +0000

Great question.

We have to be real, we have to really love people, we have to listen to them and seek to enjoy them for who they are. We need to share of ourselves, be vulnerable with wisdom. It takes commitment and grace and forgiveness and more of the same, on and on.

But I think the key is to really love people.

By: Greg England

Greg England — Fri, 23 May 2008 22:45:49 +0000

I’ve been married to my best friend 33 years today (5/23)!

By: L.L. Barkat

L.L. Barkat — Fri, 23 May 2008 15:52:01 +0000

I was thinking about that idea that friends become friends because of proximity. And it seemed to me that perhaps this needn’t be geographical proximity as much as mental and emotional proximity. There’s often also an element of attraction to the Other’s talents or beauties; some people give us a window to the Divine, and we just can’t help but stand at the sill and gape and sigh. Indeed, this question about how a friend becomes a friend has always fascinated me.

By: Jonell

Jonell — Fri, 23 May 2008 14:37:19 +0000

Of one college friend, my mom commented, "I think she needed you more than you needed her." I still spent time with her and enjoyed our times together, but it was different than other friendships.
I’ve lived in this new town and gone to this new church for 4 years, and consider myself to have many acquantainces and 1 new friend. Even so, I cannot crowd in on her current friendships that are deeper than our new friendship. We mostly say hi and hug at church and e-mail during the week. This friendship too will grow in time.
God knows what I need and He will send my way exactly what He desires for my life.
"Oh, the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person; having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but to pour them all out, just as they are, chaff and grain together, knowing that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then, with the breath of kindness, blow the rest away." - quote by writer, George Elliot