Archive - November, 2009

41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 4)

November 30, 2009 in 41 Things..., Ministry with 6 Comments

Please tell me what else needs to be included.wedding1256054884.jpg

Over the last couple of weeks, I have shared 41 things that married people really ought to know. (See part 1 here, part 2 here, and part 3 here.) Some of these come from my own experience of being married for many years. Others on this list come from observing the marriages of others. This is not meant to be an exhaustive list. Perhaps this will be helpful as you form your own list.

32. If a couple pursues peace and chooses love over self-centeredness, they can work through almost any issue. If a couple is at war, most any issue can be a point of contention.

33. A couple can bless one another by creating a home atmosphere that is pleasant, inviting and warm. They will look forward to coming home after a long day at work.

34. A person with a demanding spirit often pushes his or her spouse away. Far too many people enter marriage determined that certain behaviors are not going to change. Consequently, that spouse continues to watch nonstop ball games, hunt every weekend, or shop every weekend.

35. Look for the good in another. Too many of us focus on the negative and the shortcomings we see in one another.

36. I can add something positive to the environment of my home by being pleasant and enjoyable to be around. When I am negative, pessimistic, and constantly griping, I am like a gray, dark cloud casting a shadow over the day.

37. Being hard on your spouse may produce the desired effect — for a time. In other words, you may get your way, thought, being demanding and overbearing often creates deep resentment and anger. Most of all, such attitudes do not create internal change.

38. Most of us would do well to think before we speak. There is no real merit in allowing every fleeting thought to come out of your mouth. Please don’t say, “I was just being honest.” Even honest speech needs discerning.

39. Every married human being is married to a sinner. A person can never meet the deepest needs of his/her spouse. Only God is capable of bringing completeness to a human being’s life.

40. Remember that you are married to God’s daughter or son. You know how you feel when someone mistreats one of your children. You also know how you feel when someone has been a blessing to one of your children. Think about how God might feel as he sees how you treat his child. What does he see in your house?

41. Every good moment you experience in your marriage is a gift of God. Don’t act as if you deserve these moments. Don’t act as if you are entitled. Christians understand that we are totally dependent on God’s grace. It is out of that grace that we have air, food, and, yes, the good moments of marriage.

Question

What would you include in this list that has not been covered in this series?


41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 3)

November 22, 2009 in 41 Things... with 10 Comments

Which one of the statements can you best relate to?growing_plant.jpg

The following is part 3 of a series that I have entitled, “41 Things Married People Ought to Know.” (You can find part one here and part 2 here.) Most of these are lessons learned from being married and from observing others. I suspect you could add several to this list. Please consider leaving a comment with the statement you would add to these.

21. Marriage can be very satisfying and joyful. Believe it or not, many couples experience great pleasure in their marriages. There is great pleasure to be found in marriage through friendship, emotional connection, emotional intimacy and sexual joy.

22. Marriage is hard work. Marriage takes effort and requires one to be intentional. As married people, we depend upon the Lord for strength and perseverance through years of marriage. A very frustrated married person once asked me, “If this is right, why is it so hard?” Yet, simply because something is right does not mean that it will be easy. Jesus did the right thing and was led to the cross.

23. Marriage may sometimes be boring. Yes, the boredom needs to be addressed but its existence doesn’t always mean that you are in a crisis. Nor, does this mean that marriage is going to feel this way forever. The good news is that boredom is not fatal.

24. Beware of violating the privacy of your marriage by quoting your spouse (when you are away from him or her) in settings which would deeply hurt him or her if what you said became known. It is one thing to talk about your marriage with someone (a marriage and family therapist, minister, counselor, etc) who is trying to help you. It is quite another matter to reveal her words to the guys at work or your friends at Starbucks.

25. Dishonesty hurts a marriage. Husbands and wives must not rationalize the seemingly small dishonest moments. Far too many spouses practice dishonesty regarding money and spending. (For example, hiding the fact that you just spent hundreds of dollars on golf clubs or clothing.) Rationalizing these moments can pave the way for much bigger deceit.

26. Most affairs begin as friendships. Don’t think that saying “we are just friends” is going to cure the anxiety of an concerned spouse. This is expecially true when her intuitive warning alarm is already sounding.

27. Its not about you. Far too often our self centeredness takes over and begins to possess the marriage. When this happens, the “we” in the relationship may be ignored while one person focuses on the “me.”

28. Physical nakedness is one of the great joys of marriage. What can be frightening, however, is emotional nakedness. We make ourselves vulnerable before one another. Married people need to be very careful that they do not hurt their mates where they are vulnerable.

29. Have a vision of creating a marriage/family that is an island of health in a very dysfunctional, self-centered world. Such a vision will need great great help from the Lord if this is to become a reality.

30. Married people should cherish one another. You can tell when someone cherishes a television, a rod and reel, jewelry, etc. It is all in the way the person handles these things. Many us of may be underestimating the importance of cherishing our spouses.

Question:

Which one of these statements (above) can you best relate to? What would you add to this list?



21 Century Ministry and 2 Corinthians (Part 5)

November 19, 2009 in Ministry with 8 Comments

What is the dynamic in ministry that really changes people today?

Many people in churches are tired. Those who serve as church leaders often find themselves exhausted as they give the church their best effort and still seem to get nowhere. When I was a very young minister, I felt bewildered by the very nature of ministry.

I didn’t want to admit this at the time, but it seemed as if whatever happened in ministry was up to me.

Now I am not talking about an out – of – control ego or a desire to take credit. I am just saying that my ministry felt like a tremendous burden weighing on me and at times utterly crushing me. As a result, I was someone who loved Jesus but found little joy in my ministry.

So very often my ministry seemed like it was simply shoe leather on pavement. I had tools. I was a part of a church family. Yet, for a number of years, I felt very little joy in what I was doing. Ministry just seemed like a lot of hard work with impossible problems and long hours. Were lives being changed? Yes, God was very much at work. Yet, I was missing something. I was missing something in the way I approached this extremely challenging work. I later realized that what I was missing was a sense of the powerful dynamic that was at work in ministry. That dynamic is the work of the Holy Spirit in the ministry of Jesus.

Paul stresses this in 2 Corinthians 3 as he contrasts the old covenant and new covenant ministry. In new covenant ministry, people are transformed as they turn to Jesus and the Holy Spirit goes to work on their hearts. The most impossible situation can become a situation with possibilities when the Holy Spirit is at work in the transformation. Because the Holy Spirit is the dynamic of ministry, I can no longer say, regarding another person, “He will never change.” I can’t say this because God’s Spirit has the capability of blasting away at the hardest heart imaginable!

Trying to minister without the presence and activity of the living, dynamic Holy Spirit is like trying to write this post on my computer without electricity. Don’t get me wrong, I like my Mac. I like it very much. No problem there. Yet, sitting at this computer for hours with the electrical cord unplugged from the wall will never produce very much. Trying to write this post with no electricity will never be very effective regardless of my intentions or best effort. It is the electricity that is the dynamic that makes all of this possible. I can have the best tools and make the best effort in my ministry, yet the Holy Spirit is the living dynamic who changes lives. He is the one, through Jesus, who really changes people.

Now perhaps you got this a long time ago. Wonderful. But please bear with those of us for whom this realization took some time. Bear with those of us who even right now feel crushed by the weight of ministry and who have long ago forgotten the good news of the living dynamic of God’s forever presence at work in our ministries.

I still work hard and give my work my best effort. Yet, I also live with the realization that God’s Holy Spirit is at work and is the powerful dynamic who does a work that goes beyond anything I could ever do. I want my reliance to be on him.

Question

What is your experience with this? Have you gone through seasons where you felt as if the entire weight of the ministry was on you? Have you ever found yourself depending on yourself to change people instead of the Spirit of God?

41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 2)

November 17, 2009 in Family/Marriage, Ministry with 0 Comments

The following are some reflections on marriage. Maybe you will find these useful. I would love to hear your comments regarding these. Please include in your comment what you would add to this list. (If you missed part one you can find it here.) marriage1.jpg

11. Many women have a low view of their body image. Today, in many ways they are being bombarded with the message that their bodies do not measure up. Television, movies, magazines all portray a certain type of body to be desired. These bodies tend to be tanned, very well proportioned and beautiful. Far too many women look at these images and see the flaws in their body. Too heavy. Too small. Too large.

12. Wonderful, satisfying sex in marriage is not based on performance. Rather, it is based on seeing sex as an outgrowth of an intimate relationship with one another. Far too many couples put tremendous pressure on one another because of the performance view of sex. Pornography feeds such a view. Beware! When one person is using pornography, there will often be an unrealistic, performance oriented view of marriage.

13. Many married couples have no idea how to handle their discretionary spending. Consequently, if the kids want something at the store and the parents know the money is in the bank, the kids get it. Meanwhile, the amount of credit card debt being accumulated by some couples is astounding.

14. Husbands and wives need to think about practical ways to give their mates pleasurable moments in the relationship. Such pleasure does not begin in the bedroom, but in small thoughtful moments. Great pleasure can be found in marriage.

15. Some men and women are very angry people. This unresolved anger may be the result of unresolved issues with parents, friends, or others that may go back many years but now this anger has deeply impacted their marriage.

16. Sex in marriage is enhanced by honesty and trust. It is difficult to let yourself go with complete abandon (sexually) when you or your mate has a pattern of deception.

17. Many people say they wish to have a “Christian” marriage. Yet, ultimately, this should mean that a husband and wife are allowing Christ to shape who they are both individually and as a couple.

18. Husbands who are too passive drive their wives nuts! Many guys are not mean, rude, obnoxious, etc. However, they are silent. These passive men put their wives in the position of always having to take the initiative. This can leave their wives feeling very much alone.

19. Husbands and wives need to take the long view of things. This vision takes much persistence and prayer. A spouse might reflect on the question: “What kind of married person do I wish to be in ten years?”

20. Decide that you will put positive energy into your marriage instead of draining the energy from your marriage.

Question

What would you add to this list?

Arkansas Pines and Family Roots

November 16, 2009 in Family/Marriage, My Family, My Story with 4 Comments

We drove across the southeastern part of Arkansas last week on Highway 278. Our guardians were the pine trees on both sides of the road, standing tall and majestic.

My uncle died and my mom and I were traveling to Monticello, Arkansas for the funeral. I love this part of Arkansas. It is a beautiful place and holds good memories of my childhood. Some of these memories were first formed when our family would take the twice yearly trips from Dallas to Monticello. One trip was at Christmas and the other was during the summer. This area around Monticello, Arkansas is where my grandparents lived as well as aunts, uncles, and cousins.

My grandparents died a number of years ago. However, several aunts and numerous cousins remain in the area. For a number of years, I did very little to invest in or maintain the relationships. This was my loss. My six cousins are great people and I like their families as well. On this trip, I came away particularly impressed with my cousins’ children and grandchildren.

Traveling to this part of Arkansas and having conversations with my aunts, cousins, and their families was a reminder to me of how important these people are to my story. Now that I have long moved out of those years, I have grown to really appreciate such an important part of my past.
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Yes, being in Monticello has a way of stirring up old memories. I remember, as a little boy, following my grandpa through the snowy woods around Christmas time (he had worked in the logging industry for many years). He showed me the tracks of a deer. Was I ever impressed!

I remember well going inside that white frame house of my grandparents and hearing that screen door slam behind me. I can still smell purple hull peas on the stove. In the oven was turkey and dressing. Those smells and sights are alive in my memory.

Maybe the memories that mean the most are those which in some way form and shape your own story. I suspect that is why I remember and treasure some of the things I do.

Question:

Do you relate to this? Do you ever go “home” or to a significant place in your childhood and feel as if a part of you has reconnected?

    

41 Things Married People Ought to Know (Part 1)

November 9, 2009 in 41 Things..., Family/Marriage with 39 Comments

Several years ago, I posted a list of a number of things I have learned about marriage from my own experience and observation. The following is an updated list. Hopefully you will find these helpful.

The following is the beginning of a list of 41 things married people ought to know:

1. Married people are called to move away from self-centeredness and toward self-lessness. The “self” has a way of getting in the way of a good marriage.

2. Jesus can be disruptive to a marriage and family. Why? One reason for this is because he challenges both husband and wife to pursue something larger than their individual happiness. Sometimes, a wife or husband will desire to pursue this larger vision (such as the kingdom of God) while the other person chooses to dig in his heels.

3. Married people can become very lazy with one another. As a result, the husband and wife may no longer cherish one another. Tenderness slips away.200911091414.jpg

4. Every marriage has some kind of atmosphere. Some marriages are marked by laughter and the enjoyment of life. Other marriages are marked by the deadly poison of negativity. This couple might spend large amounts of time griping and finding fault in one another. This creates a heavy, cloudy, joyless atmosphere.

5. Something is very wrong when a married couple claims a commitment to Jesus and belongs to a church, but they have never allowed Jesus to have any kind of practical impact on their marriage. Consequently, these people may be perceived as “spiritual” while at church, but in fact they are quite ungodly in the way they treat one another.    

6. Resentment and deeply held grudges are like a cancer. This relational cancer has a way of eating away at the very fiber of a marriage.

7. The bottom line in marriage is not personal happiness. The bottom line is holiness. (Gary Thomas in Sacred Marriage) Christ followers allow God to use their marriage to help them become more like Jesus.

8. Marriage needs to be based on grace, not performance. A performance – based relationship is under great pressure. People feel they must perform at a certain level or they will not be loved by their spouse. As a result, many go through life feeling like they never measure up in the eyes of their mates.

9. Married people need to come to grips with the reality of the sin they are inflicting on one another. For example, consider these behaviors: harshness, rudeness, impatience, self-centeredness, pride, willfully inflicting pain, etc.

10. How utterly foolish for husbands or wives to run down their mates just to get a cheap laugh from friends.  What about the second most important commandment, “Love your neighbor as yourself”? Is this the way mature men and women treat one another?

What would you add to this list?



Scouting the Divine

November 6, 2009 in Books with 11 Comments

Early one morning, I began reading Scouting the Divine: My Search for God in Wine, Wool, and Wild Honey by Margaret Feinberg. I had just made a cup of coffee and anticipated reading just a few pages. However, I found it very difficult to put the book down.

In the book, Feinberg recognizes that the daily life described in the Bible is very different from her own in the suburbs. Consequently, many of the stories of the Bible speak of the produce of the land, the vineyards, or the sheep and the shepherd. She decided to pay attention to the portraits of God that use these images and try to better understand their significance.

Feinberg.jpg

This book begins with Margaret’s visit to a shepherd’s home in Oregon. This is the section I had difficulty putting down. Margaret’s interaction with this shepherd caused me to think in fresh ways about the shepherd/sheep relationship.

The following is an excerpt:   
  
On the way back to the larger, lower pasture, Lynne grabbed another scoop of grain. Opening the gate, she once again called, “Sheep, sheep, sheep.” We sat on the grass as the flock pushed toward us en masse, hoping for a tasty morsel. As the food dwindled, my friend Mario remained. A few others stood by as I scratched each in turn under the chin.

The sun dipped below the fiery horizon, leaving a faint glow of rose and tangerine in the sky. Lynne and I sat in the field with the sheep. At one point, the smallest lamb, Swan, who had watched us all day, dared to break from her mother and head toward Lynne. The shepherd extended her palm, wiggled her fingers, and spoke the lamb’s name. Swan hesitated and then came forward to experience the gentle touch of her shepherd for the first time.

Lynne withdrew her hand. Swan stepped forward, wanting more. With a swift one-armed move, Lynne grabbed the lamb and held her. Swan melted into her shepherd’s arms.

“Once they respond to my beckoning I have them forever,” she said as Swan rested her tiny head in the palm of Lynne’s hand.

Lynne sounded a lot like Someone I’d been reading about.

Question: What Do Young Women Need to Know?

November 6, 2009 in Spiritual Life with 31 Comments

What is it that a young woman needs to know about being a woman, a wife, and/or a mother? I would love to hear from you regarding this question.
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I have two daughters. One daughter is married and is 27 years old. Our other daughter is 22, just graduated from college, and is working. For years, I have paid close attention to these two young women. At times, I have been tremendously encouraged by some of the heroic women in our culture. At other times, I have been deeply troubled. I have been troubled by the way many men treat women as well as the way women are often used and manipulated. I have learned that it is often very difficult to be a woman in today’s world.

  • Some women feel confused regarding their feelings. How is a woman supposed to feel? What is a woman supposed to do with her emotions? What does she do with all of those sexual feelings? How does she deal with body image issues?
  • Some women feel confused regarding marriage. What am I supposed to do as a wife on a daily basis? How can I make this marriage last?
  • Some women feel confused regarding being a parent. How am I supposed to balance marriage, work, church, etc. with being a mother? How can I keep from messing up my children? What am I supposed to do when my young children test me?

What do you think? What does a young woman need to know about being a woman, a wife, and/or a mother?

Taking a Retreat From Humility?

November 5, 2009 in Grace, Spiritual Formation, Spiritual Life with 2 Comments

Some people seem to have taken a retreat from humility. When they are around others they don’t appear humble but they behave as “know-it-all’s.”smug.jpg

1. The man in a small church who had a master’s degree. Most everyone else never went to college. This was a farming community filled with many hard-working people This one man stood out in this church not because of his education but because of his attitude. He would often comment in Bible classes at his church with an air of authority about what a certain passage really meant. I remember the Sunday morning he read to all of us from the dictionary the definition of “spirit,” proving to us that any talk of the Holy Spirit being a living, distinct being was nonsense.

2. The minister in a church who had a way of conveying to those around him that he had little, if anything, still to learn. At one point, he told a younger minister, “We know all that we need to know; we just need to do it.” Needless to say, he saw little value in serious study and reflection.

3. The young parents who have read the latest parenting book and know all about rearing children. Now most young parents feel anything but confident in rearing children but this particular couple did. They had read the latest, greatest book and now they had the answers. When other young parents expressed confusion or frustration about their work as parents, this couple had the answers.

I’m not telling you anything you don’t know. You’ve seen these people. Gracious is not the word that I would use to describe them.

Some people seem to think they know most everything. They have a way of correcting you in a way that feels condescending. You slip and make a mistake. They have the answer or feel like they have to make some kind of demeaning comment. They have a way of making you feel silly for each and every blunder you make. After all, they are evidently beyond all of this.

Then, there are those people who never do take a retreat from humility.

These are gracious people.

People who are not gracious have a way of leaving others feeling less than, taken for granted, or diminished in value. They may express little gratitude. Nor do they express any joy in the things that bring you joy. No, they seem to communicate that their own world is more important and more significant than whatever you might have to offer.

Contrast this attitude with that of a businesswoman on the West Coast who recently made a business trip to a city in the South. Her host picked her up at the airport and the woman’s graciousness began immediately. She asked her host question after question about life in this city. She genuinely seemed fascinated with what she saw and heard. As they drove along, she talked about the beauty of her surroundings. She asked questions about some of the favorite foods of the area. She also asked her host about some of the “must see” places in that city.

At the end of the day, she impressed her host with her graciousness.

Question:

Why might someone come across as a “know-it -all”? In contrast to this, have you known people with a graciousness that impressed you?


   

Question: What Do Young Men Need to Know?

November 3, 2009 in Family/Marriage with 8 Comments

What is it that a young man needs to know about being a man, a husband, and/or a father? I would love to hear from you regarding this question.question.jpg

For years, I have had conversations with men in which they shared just how inadequate they feel as a man and in other roles as well. Some express great confusion and anger over their relationship (or lack of) with their own fathers. Others feel as if they had very little preparation for knowing how to live as a godly man.

  • Some men feel confused regarding their feelings. How is a man supposed to feel? What is a man supposed to do with emotion? What about all of those sexual feelings?
  • Some men feel confused regarding marriage. What am I supposed to do as a husband on a daily basis? Why does she often get frustrated with me? How can I make this marriage last?
  • Some men feel confused regarding being a parent. How am I supposed to balance marriage, work, church, etc. with being a dad? How can I keep from messing up my children? What am I supposed to do when my young children test me?

What do you think? What does a young man need to know about being a man, a husband, and/or a father?