Comments on: Burying Those Feelings Never Works

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 21:01:10 +0000

Alison, in what you shared at the beginning of your comment, you illustrate so well the danger of burying these feelings. Under that cover of “niceness,” your important question had no voice and no response. Without the opportunity to raise such an important question, it would be easy to conclude that your feelings really do not matter.

By: Alison

Alison — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 02:46:22 +0000

Thanks for this, Jim. I was taught that as a “nice girl”, I needed to be happy and pleasant all the time, and wear a smile no matter what. This teaching led me to bury my emotions beneath the mask of “politeness”, but beneath the mask was the question of, “Did (or does) what I went through (or am going through now) matter at all to anyone other than me?”

Since that question went unanswered, I learned to be cynical and defensive, keeping people at bay by telling them what they wanted to hear. I learned very quickly that that doesn’t work. Now, I’m learning to be more open and honest with my emotions, since burying them only led me into some very serious sin. I’ve found Peter Scazzero’s Emotionally Healthy Spirituality very helpful in terms of understanding my emotional life, and the influence it has on my spiritual life, and I’d highly recommend it to anyone struggling with how to deal with their emotions in healthy ways, not just burying them under the mask of “niceness”.

Lord knows I’m going to “biff” (mess) this one up more times than I care to recount, but I’m going to keep working through it. Thanks again for this, Jim.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:45:35 +0000

Karin, this does make sense and I am glad you left this comment. Glad that you named these particular feelings (sadness, rejection, loneliness…) Regardless of what anyone else has experienced, these are very real for you and are a part of your ongoing story. Thank you for what you said and for reminding us all that God hears what others may not want to hear.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:41:05 +0000

Russell, thank you for this. I suspect that there is no one model (disease or otherwise) which completely describes and helps us understand the emotional territory of our lives. We should probably beware when it does seem to be reduced to one model.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:37:33 +0000

Ken, I love one particular line in your comment: “…emotional territory is often uncharted for many of us.” Is that ever true! And, as you expressed so well, “The stronger the feelings the less rationale we can be.” Sometimes this is the soil in which some major mistakes are made.

We all would do well to get acquainted with our own emotional territory. Thanks Ken.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:31:28 +0000

Thanks Brittney. I appreciate you sharing the story about your father’s death and what happened in the following years. So glad that you are on the other side of the depression and anxiety.

By: Jim Martin

Jim Martin — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 17:27:26 +0000

I really like this Eddy. Do you know the origin of this?

By: Karin

Karin — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 14:51:11 +0000

Even right now I’m tempted to bury the feelings that are triggered by the reading and mulling over of your post. I didn’t want to comment. However, I’ve learned that only to Jesus I can freely acknowledge my feelings of sadness, rejection, loneliness, frustration and so on and so on. He let’s me know that my feelings are legitimate and I learn to examine why the feelings are there and He gives the healing. Truly ‘feeling’ them helps me to learn compassion for others who are experiencing similar pain and hurt. I give them to Him because I have found so often in life that if I share them with others, I seem to burden them and they have a great enough load as it is. I’ve tried often over the years to find someone just willing, without judgment, to listen to me, but when I want to share, the other person invariably comes up with deeper and more painful feelings that certainly trump mine or the reverse, tries to cheer me up and not feel what I’m feeling. Then once again I’m the listener and counselor. Not sure if any of this makes sense, but here it is! God is good!

By: Russell Wayne Webster

Russell Wayne Webster — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 12:15:45 +0000

The medical community has made certain feelings, specifically depression, diseases rather than emotions (or feelings). Depression is simply an emotion caused by the perception of a loss, either real or imagined. The overuse of ‘antidepressants’ blunts the emotion of depression but these powerful medications also blunt the more pleasant emotions as well. All emotions are caused, in my opinion, by thinking patterns over which we have control. The ‘depression as disease model’ held by the majority of doctors in the mental health field makes patients slaves to their emotions. We should be liberating our patients by teaching them to understand, appreciate, and control their emotions.

By: Ken

Ken — Wed, 27 Jan 2010 15:32:10 +0000

Because feelings are organic, the very act of burying them is, in fact, more of a planting than a burial. To bury a feeling is to plant the emotional seeds of life. Soon, life may add a little water, some unknown nutrients like beliefs or memories & before long they bear fruit in the emotional fields of life. They may sprout as a new feeling or, as I suspect, morph into a thought, a choice, a behavior or even an illness, in me or in someone I love.

In answer to your question, Jim, I have buried negative feelings at work and later paid a high price. It was my choice to live this way before and it will be my choice to refuse to live this way in the future.

Jim, you’re right that burying feelings is futile. Sharing them appropriately yields the intended future. Yet emotional territory is often uncharted for many of us. The stronger the feelings the less rationale we can be. I’ve needed a trusted guide just to sort things out. And I’m glad I asked for help.