From Thoughtquestion.com (Some very good questions here)
Archive - March, 2010
I’ll Take Mercy Over Fairness
I grew up in what seemed to be a very ordinary neighborhood. We didn’t have a lot of money. In fact most of us were just getting by.
Down the street lived my friend. I thought that his dad just had to be wealthy. After all, he often wore chocolate brown and white wing tips (I am describing his shoes), a golf outfit, a hat, and regularly smoked a big cigar. He drove a Cadillac convertible. One day my friend let it be known that his daddy needed some help putting down some new grass in his yard. That week, a dump truck came to their house and left a large mound of sand. That Friday afternoon, another truck came and unloaded squares of St. Augustine grass.
The next day, several from our neighborhood went over to their house to help spread the sand and then lay down the grass. We began working early that morning. We understood that later in the day, after we had finished, we were all going to get ice cream.
We worked all day—some of us. That afternoon some latecomers came and worked a few hours and then went with us to get ice cream. These kids came at 3 o’clock! At 5 o’clock, we were finished. We all got in several cars to go get ice cream. I couldn’t believe it. These two kids who had only been working for two hours came with us. We got to the ice cream store and stood in line for our ice cream. Our friend’s dad was buying each one of us a quart of ice cream. (That seemed unbelievable at the time.) The two latecomers got ice cream too. I resented that.
“I just want everything to be fair. Just give each one of us what we deserve.”
Really?
Jesus told a story regarding people who were hired at different times of the day to come work in a vineyard. At the end of the day, the owner of the vineyard paid each one the same — one denarius, or a day’s wage. Some who had been hired first and had agreed to work for a denarius thought it was unfair that everyone should be paid the same (Matthew 20:1-16). This rather shocking parable is bracketed by “the first shall be last and the last first” (19:30, 20:16).I suppose that if a summary of the payroll for that day had been posted, it might have looked like the following:
Vineyard Payroll Summary
6:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m. = one denarius
9:00 a.m. – 6:00 p.m. = one denarius
12:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. = one denarius
3:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. = one denarius
5:00 p.m. – 6:00 p.m. = one denarius
What kind of business is this where the person who works just one hour makes the same amount of money as the person who worked all day?
What kind of grace is this?
This is a grace that lifts up those of us who are last. This is a grace that lifts up those of us who feel as if we are “less than.” Less effective people. Less faithful people. Spiritual latecomers.
This is a grace that lifts up those of us who just don’t seem to be “pulling our weight.” Those of us who are not as productive as others. Those of us who don’t feel important or worthwhile. Those of us who wonder just how much we really are contributing to the kingdom of God.
This is a grace that lifts up those of us who feel as if we failed. Maybe you feel as if you failed in your marriage. Perhaps you think you failed as a parent.
At the end of the day:
1. Thank God for his sweet mercy. Don’t get too caught up in how hard you have been working for the Lord. (I need to hear this one. I have found it very easy to look at other believers who seem to be contributing little in the congregation and just get frustrated at them. Some of this may be rooted in resentment at how little they are doing compared to how I perceive myself.)
2. Never think that you are entitled. Never think you are entitled to a little immorality on the side. Maybe you know the temptation. Night and day you try to do the right thing. Maybe you have worked hard for many years (often with little appreciation or recognition). You find yourself feeling entitled to do what you know is wrong.
3. We really are all on equal ground when it comes to the grace of God. Before I get too jealous of someone else or before I condemn another, I need to remember that I am indebted to God for his grace.
Question:
Why is it that many of us often want mercy for ourselves and want fairness for others?
Question: How Did You Learn to Be Married?
I have a question.
I talk with a lot of people about marriage. Some of these people would like to be married one day but don’t have anyone in mind. Others in these conversations are engaged. I also talk about marriage with people who are married.
What is difficult for many, many people is that they have never seen a healthy marriage up close. They may have grown up in a single parent home. Or, they may have grown up in a home where their parents were married and then divorced at some point while they were still in elementary school, middle school, or high school. Others have never seen a healthy marriage up close even though their parents were married throughout their growing up years.
I mention this because it is often difficult for a young guy or a young woman to imagine themselves being married when they aren’t quite sure what that looks like or feels like. Some of these people ask questions like these:
- What do people do everyday when they are married? (Remember if you have never seen this up close, it may not be that obvious.)
- Are there marriages out there that really do work?
- What do I do in order to contribute to a healthy marriage?
Question:
How did you learn to be married?
I am particularly interested in hearing from you if you never saw a healthy marriage up close while you were growing up, and yet you married. What helped you? Whom did you learn from? What suggestions would you give others?
I am also interested in hearing from you if you did witness a healthy marriage. What did you observe? What do you hope to put into practice in your own marriage? I am interested in hearing your response to this whether you are single or already married.
Choose to Move Away From Anxiety Producers
Some people seem to specialize in passing on their anxiety to others. 
Years ago, my dad had a heart attack and was admitted to Baylor Hospital in Dallas. His doctor did a coronary angioplasty on his heart, which is a procedure used to open blocked coronary (heart) arteries. The procedure greatly improves blood flow to the heart. The procedure had been done that morning. That evening, about 6 pm, a friend of his came into the hospital room. My mom and I were in the room. This friend was from their church and evidently had come by to encourage my dad.
The friend leaned up against the wall. He was talking to my dad, who looked rather weak after having had surgery that morning. The guy then said, “Oh I see you had the balloon surgery. Well I sure hope yours goes better than my brother-in-law’s did.” My dad said, “What happened to him?” The friend replied, “Oh his procedure didn’t hold. He’s DEAD!” My dad looked pale as he lay in the bed. At that point, the guy said, “Well I had better go.” He then left the room.
What a visit!
Encouragement? Not really. In fact, this friend dumped a load of anxiety in that hospital room and then walked away. Some people are like that. They have a way of leaving their anxiety behind.
- Perhaps it is the minister who is always upset about something in the church. Yet this minister never goes to the person involved in order to deal with these issues. The minister typically goes to the office and bad mouths the church member.
- Perhaps it is the mother who is always complaining to her best friend about her teenage daughter’s behavior. Yet, she never deals directly with this daughter.
- Maybe it is the husband who is frustrated with his wife over her spending habits. Yet, he never deals with his wife. Instead, he constantly and anxiously talks to anyone who will listen about how little money they have.
Meanwhile, some people dump a load of their anxiety on those nearby, other people have a way of magnifying even the smallest anxiety. Perhaps you know these people. Maybe there is a discussion in a group or in a meeting. They have a way of magnifying and exaggerating the smallest anxiety, until it becomes huge. Consequently, they typically bring anxiety to a group instead of calmness.
The following has helped me with these kinds of people (those who pass on the anxiety and those who magnify it):
1. I have chosen to limit time with those who regularly want to dump their anxiety as well as those who seem to magnify and exaggerate anxiety. It just wears me out to hear someone go on and on about some person (not present in the room) and then gripe for a while about someone else. I can’t spend a lot of time with someone who has a way of blowing up the smallest anxiety into something large and overwhelming. Suppose someone makes a comment in a meeting. Later, a person who was in that meeting begins to rant and rave about how stupid the remark was. He tells the story again and again. Every time he tells the story, you can just see the anxiety in the faces of others.
I choose to limit my time with such a person. Yes, I want to love the individual and will spend some time with that person. However, I choose to not spend an extended amount of time with someone like this. When I have been around this kind of person too much, I become anxious and begin to process life through the same kind of filter as that person.
2. I have chosen to focus on managing myself. I want to bring to any group a sense of calmness and focus. For me, this means that I try to prepare myself early in the morning (See “Learning to Dodge the Anxiety Traps.“) This calmness is important in one-to-one conversations, meetings, and even in preaching. A long time preacher heard a person preach on the grace of God one evening. He said that by the time the sermon was over, he was a nervous wreck. Why? The preacher’s manner was so anxious. In fact, my friend said that he felt as if the preacher was looking for a fight. Yet, he was preaching on the grace of God.
I can’t overstate the importance of managing myself because to not do so, impacts not only myself but others as well.
Question:
Do you have someone in your life who tends to dump their anxiety? Do you know someone who magnifies their anxiety? What helps you in dealing with such people?
Update
You might be interested in the following:
*This blog, A Place for the God-Hungry, was recently listed by Kent Shaffer on his website, Church Relevance, as one of the “Top 100 Church Blogs of Spring 2010.” Obviously I was delighted to hear this news. However, it also reminded me of how thankful I am to those of you who have reading this blog for several years. I don’t take you for granted and am thankful that you come to this blog.
*Did you know that you can subscribe to “God-Hungry Live?” You can find many great You Tube videos there. People such as: Fred Craddock, Andy Stanley, William Willimon, Ruth Haley Barton, Scot McKnight, John Ortberg, etc.
*I have just updated, “What I’m Reading.” You can find this here.
*Have you seen Foursquare yet? A new social networking tool that I heard about on NPR this week. The report was from Austin’s SXSW. This looks very interesting.
*I have been working through a chapter each morning from Mindy Caliguire’s Discovering Soul Care . I find the questions valuable as I journal. You might be interested in visiting their website here.
Learn to Dodge the Anxiety Traps
Anxiety traps are everywhere. One of the challenges of being a parent, a friend, a church member, or a leader is learning to recognize the anxiety traps and avoid taking on such anxiety.
One day I was driving through the area where we live and turned onto a road that I had not traveled in some time. As soon as I turned, I quickly realized that it was quite bumpy. Then I saw a big hole on the right side of the road. The last thing I wanted to do was to hit a hole like that. I steered around the hole and was so glad that I saw it in time. 
Anxiety is everywhere. You hear it in the news. You hear it in the voices of friends. You may experience it in your co-workers. You may see or experience it in your church. For example:
Anxiety is everywhere. You hear it in the news. You hear it in the voices of friends. You may experience it in your co-workers. You may see or experience it in your church. For example:
- Someone in your church is upset. “Isn’t it awful about what they are doing in that ministry! Oh it is terrible! What are we going to do? (Then here comes the kicker.) You need to do something. You must do something. If you don’t fix this, things will be even more awful than they are now.”
- A parent from your children’s school approaches you. “Can you believe what they are doing? That administration doesn’t know anything. Some of us are really upset. You need to help us deal with them.”
- A family member wants you to share her anxiety. “I can’t believe that my sister wants to cancel our July 4 trip. What is wrong with everyone? We have just got to take this trip. Mother and Daddy will be so disappointed if we don’t do what we planned to do. You are the only one who can fix this. You have got to do something!”
The challenge is to recognize others’ anxiety without getting sucked into that anxiety. Others may be anxious. In fact, they may be very anxious and their fears may spill over into your conversations. That does not mean, however, that you and I have to take on their anxiety. I can recognize their anxiety and even acknowledge it. However, I don’t have to make what belongs to them, a part of my life.
What has been helpful to me:
1. Keeping on top of my daily devotional time in the mornings. Such a time each day helps me maintain clarity about who I am and what my purpose in life really is. Sometimes I read through the Psalms. At other times, I have worked through a fine prayer-book such as Phyllis Tickle’s The Divine Hours . Right now, I am working through Mindy Caliguire’s, Discovering Soul Care . I am working through a chapter a day, journaling through the questions that are raised in each chapter.
2. Being aware of where I am emotionally. Some days I feel really great! There are other days, however, when I just don’t feel on top of things. I may even feel a little down. I want to be aware of what I am feeling and some of the factors that may contribute to such feelings.
3. Attempting to stay aware of my environment. Are there certain people who are bringing lots of anxiety into our conversations? Do I sense these people want me to take on their anxiety? As I talk with them, I want to create enough emotional space that I can see what is happening (emotionally) instead of just falling into a black hole of emotional anxiety that really belongs to someone else.
4. Trying to manage myself in relationships so that I stay connected with people without losing a sense of what I am thinking and feeling. The challenge here is that there are others that might really want me to be anxious like they are. “I can’t believe that you don’t feel any stronger than this over the way these people are acting.”
Question:
What has been helpful to you so that you avoid taking on someone else’s anxiety?
How To Embarrass Yourself Twice in One Week
I did it two times. Two!
It happened last week when I wore a perfectly good pair of pants to work. Comfortable. Casual. Camel color. I had just arrived at my office for the day. I sat down in my chair. I heard a loud tearing sound. I looked down and the outside seam on my right leg had split. The split was about six inches long.
I had no idea what happened. I just knew that I could not wear those pants all day long. I remembered that I had at the cleaners a pair of pants that was supposed to be ready. So I picked up the clean pair pants at the cleaners and changed clothes. I was in good shape. The next day I went to the alterations place and dropped of the ripped pants to be mended. A few days later, I picked them up chalked that one up to a good experience.
On Monday of this week, I wore the pants again. I walked into the office sat down and heard a rip. The top of front pocket on the right side had caught the arm of the chair. The tear was there again. This time it was only about four inches in length. I had worn these pants only a few hours and there was a tear again.
I kept staring at those pants. Unbelievable!
At lunch, I took these pants back to the alterations place. As I explained what happened, they began to laugh and laugh. I handed one person the pants and she immediately began sewing them while she laughed. I asked her how much I owed. She said, “Nothing, this is worth a good laugh.”
Good grief! How embarrassing! I paid them anyway and left.
Now I can laugh at this. But some things, I don’t want to do twice.
1. I don’t want to repeat the same ineffective behaviors (in my relationships) again and again and yet expect different results. Some people continue to practice ineffective behaviors (failing to follow instructions, for example). Then they minimize their behavior and repeat again, thinking that it will turn out better this time.
2. I don’t want to repeat bad habits. It is so easy to carry on a habit from the past that may be ineffective or irritating to others. Perhaps you have the habit of being late or interrupting others.
3. I don’t want to repeat dysfunctional patterns. Some people have developed patterns of behavior that do not serve them or their co-workers. Perhaps you have a pattern of procrastination, putting off what is difficult or challenging. Maybe you have the pattern of behavior related to your work so that when you get very frustrated, you exploded and then apologize only to do the same thing in a few weeks.
Question:
What behavior do you sometimes repeat that you would really like to stop?
What Has Helped You Feel Less Self-Conscious?
I never intended to be a minister.
Never.
I grew up in a church. Over the years, there were probably a half-dozen ministers who preached at this church. As a child, I really didn’t know much about them. I only saw them from a distance. Yet, most of them seemed “different.” Not different in a Christian sort of way. Just different in terms of manner. I remember dark suits, pulpit voices, and distance. I don’t say this to be critical. I am just expressing what I sensed as a child.
So, I never intended to be a minister.
Yet, I am a minister. I have been in this role for 30 years. I mean the kind who preaches each Sunday and does various kinds of ministry “full-time.” (Whatever that means!)
How did I end up in this role? How did I come to believe that God wanted me to do this for a portion of my life? That is a long story. Yet, I can honestly tell you that during my younger years, I never gave a thought to wanting to be a minister.
Years later, as I found myself moving toward this role, I had to grapple with my self-consciousness. I worried
(a lot) about what people thought about me. Would they think I was odd, weird, or different? The answer is “yes.” Yet, I learned that the issue to grapple with was not their perception but my own self-consciousness.
I’ve known some ministers who seem to to deal with this by attempting to project a certain “coolness.” It sort of feels like this person is saying, “Hey, I’m not odd, weird, or different. I’m cool. I’m like you.” Well, ok. I just don’t think I want to approach this problem this way. Maybe I don’t trust my motives. It seems to me that in trying to convey “coolness” that my own self-consciousness is still in control.
I have learned to deal with this by first recognizing when I am feeling self-conscious and then focusing my energy and intent toward being authentic and being “me.”
The other day I was at a luncheon. Most of the other people present were either attorneys or business people. I was there as a guest of the luncheon speaker. At each table, we were asked to stand and introduce ourselves to those in the room. In this self-introduction, we were to give our name and our work. At one time, being the only minister present, I would have felt self-conscious in such a setting. That day, however, I was more focused on the conversation taking place between myself and a very interesting man who I had just met. I was more interested in him than focused on myself. It was an enjoyable lunch.
Question:
Do you ever find yourself so concerned about what others think of you that you don’t enjoy the moment? What has helped you become less self-conscious?
Marriage, Sex, and Parenting (Four Ways to Grow)
“I have no idea what I am supposed to do.”
That statement came from a very gifted and intelligent young man who was about to be married. I appreciated his honesty. He had never seen a marriage up close before. His parents divorced when he was very young. He deeply loved his mom and dad. Yet, he had never been close to a healthy marriage and so it was difficult for him to imagine what it would be like to be married.
Many other people have seen a marriage up close but it was a dysfunctional marriage with dynamics that were anything but healthy or even godly.
So what is a person supposed to do?
1. Plan to unlearn. So often, we are at a disadvantage because of our own faulty assumptions. “Surely this won’t last my entire life.” We also make assumptions about sex, parenting, and other roles. Our assumptions often come from a variety of sources and experiences. Yet, they sometimes set us up for failure.
For example, much unlearning often has to be done regarding sex and marriage. Some people enter marriage with assumptions borrowed from this culture. A person might think that sexual experiences with multiple people give one an advantage in marriage. Really? Where did that assumption come from? Did the creator ever tell human beings that this was a good thing or an advantage? Sometimes unlearning has to be done due to a long history with pornography. Such a history will often give a person some very unreal expectations regarding marriage.
2. Be intentional about learning. Maybe you have never seen a healthy marriage up close. Or, maybe you are realizing that marriage is more complex and more difficult than you imagined. Read good marriage books, particularly those that address marital concerns from a Christian perspective. Talk with people who have been married for many years and obviously love one another. Invite a couple who you admire over for coffee and desert and ask questions about marriage. Look for resources in your church. Bottom line: Be intentional about learning.
3. Observe. Are you a new parent? Maybe you have a couple of small children. Pay attention to the parents who seem to be doing something right. (Not necessarily the parents who say all the right things. Some parents can have great conversations about parenting and yet they don’t follow through with their own children.) Watch and listen to the children. Observe their parents. Listen to the interaction between children and their parents. You can learn much. If you are a part of a small group in your church, you can often observe a great deal about families. Look for those parents who model well what it means to be a parent.
Years ago, when our children were small Charlotte spent a day with a close friend who also had young children. Much of their day was spent in a mall and going to a few other stores. it was a difficult day for Charlotte and one of our girls. The interaction between them was stressful and unpleasant. As the day progressed, it only seemed to get worse. Finally, at the end of this frustrating day, Charlotte turned to her friend and said, “You have seen our interaction (mother/daughter) all day. What am I doing wrong? What do you see? What would you differently?” What a very wise move! These questions to a trusted friend led to a wonderful discussion and a few changes in the way both of us behaved as parents.
4. Focus on managing yourself.
Far too often, we become overly focused on how we might manage the behavior of others.
- “Why don’t the kids behave better than they do? Why don’t they do what I want them to do? I would enjoy life more if they would just behave!”
- “I wish my wife would be more interested in sex. I don’t know what is wrong with her.”
- “If my husband would just be a better husband, I would really be happy.”
The most important thing I can do in my family is to manage myself.
I have no control over the behavior of other people. I do have control over the way I manage myself within my family. I have control over how I will function as a husband and a father. This will challenge me to grow up and mature. This will challenge me to take responsibility for my own faith and obedience. This will challenge me to take responsibility for my own actions instead of blaming others or passively waiting for others to do better or improve.
Question:
What have you discovered to be helpful in learning more about marriage, sex, or parenting?
