Mark Buchanan is one of my favorite writers. Several years ago, I read his book Things Unseen. He speaks of an early memory of his father.
We are on holiday.
My father, whose work to him was often a heaviness and a dreariness, is light from two weeks of rest and play and silence. His chronic irritability, his swift, jerky snapping at things, is gone.
He often looked as if he was constantly fighting invisible restraints–a failed Houdini who, no matter how much he thrust and twisted to loose the ropes and chains, couldn’t slip free. But his usual motions of rigid haste have slowed and smoothed, and the things that three weeks ago would have made him explode in anger or withdraw in sullenness now just make him shrug or chuckle. My mother has relaxed into my father’s softening mood. She has almost collapsed into it, thankful, weary, only now realizing how close she herself was to breaking.
He goes on to speak of something that happened in a summer cabin where they were staying, which elicited the most unusual response. I’ll have to get back to this later. For now, I want to think for a moment about the memory that he has of his father’s typical behavior…
…chronic irritability, his swift, jerky snapping at things…
It is such a memory that it makes quite an impression when it is gone, immediately after vacation. His father left the impression with him that his work was often a heaviness and dreariness.
Wow… This makes me wonder about what my children have picked up from me. What have they seen in terms of my moods and attitudes?
So often when we (parents) think about raising children, we think about what we need to teach them or tell them.
Yet, they learn so much by just being with us. They see us for who we are, not what we would like to project to them. It might be good to think about the kind of memories that we are giving them. I don’t say this to elicit guilt. I do think that we need to deal with our lives as we really are. That can be very uncomfortable.
Thank God for his grace.
(Repost)
Each Thursday, the post is especially for ministers, preachers, pastors, and other church leaders. Whether you identify with any of these roles or not, perhaps you will find the following interesting.
1. Appreciation. I can’t tell you how many ministers are starved to hear a “thank you” or just a genuine word of appreciation from their church or elder groups. In some churches, it has been a long, long time since they said “thanks” to any of their ministers. I really don’t think most ministers believe the church owes them a word of thanks. It’s not that at all. Some ministers even feel embarrassed that they want to hear this so badly.
Unfortunately, many ministers feel taken for granted. They preach sermon after sermon and serve in numerous ways, often in obscurity. Many ministers are very conscientious. Consequently, they work very hard to get a certain project just right. Unfortunately, what some of these hear is not a word of gratitude but a critique. “Why didn’t you do it this way instead of the way you did it?” They hear no gratitude but instead hear from a person whose only comment is, “I think you can do better.”
Far too many ministers feel as if the church takes them for granted. Unfortunately, far too many elder groups (both individually and as a group) fail to express to these people gratitude, affirmation and any recognition of a job well done to these people. When churches fail to do this, it is ultimately the people in the congregation who lose.
Maybe one of the most significant gifts that we can give another this Christmas is the affirmation and encouragement that may be long overdue.
2. Healthy Self-Definition. Today, I read a portion of an excellent article that appeared in Clergy Journal in August 1994. The article is “Clergy Self-Care: Defining and Valuing the Self” by Myron and Jan Chartier.
The Chartiers describe self-definition as being linked to one’s personal differentiation. That is, one has a strong sense of self. A person with a good sense of self-defintion takes responsibility for his own well being (instead of blaming others) and emotional health. This enables one to relate to a variety of people in a church.
For example, a person with a good sense of self-defintion is not focused on making others happy. Rather this person has learned to have a strong sense of self and relates to others who have different views without trying to say what makes them happy. On the other hand, this person does not feel the need to have everyone agree with him in order to have a sense of personal value in a church.
They list eight barriers that can get in the way of healthy self-definition:
Some people move ahead. They get better. Meanwhile others remain the same or even digress. Many people end the year with regrets, excuses, disappointments, and “buts.”
“I should be more attentive to God in prayer and Scripture reading but . . . .”
“I need to deal with a particular sin that keeps reappearing in my life but . . . .”
“I need to spend more time with my wife. I know I haven’t invested much energy into our marriage but . . . .”
“I have a habit of making commitments, starting projects and not following through but . . . .”
“I can be pretty harsh and overbearing at home. I know this is wrong but . . . .”
“My job takes so much energy and time. I feel exhausted much of the time. I need to nourish my inner world but . . . .”
“I’m losing the emotional connection with my children. I know the answer is not to buy them more things to compensate for this but . . . .”
“I know the kind of friendship I have with this man really isn’t right but . . . .”
Think about these statements. Each one describes the reality of a person’s life. However, the description of this reality is then derailed by the word “but.” When you and I do this, we are sabotaging our own lives. Instead of thanking God for the insight and awareness into the reality of our lives, we discount the first statement with “but.”
Maybe some of us do not grow, develop, or mature because we rarely address the reality of our lives. Maybe we have allowed “but” to excuse our behavior. The following are 4 ways to move ahead into this New Year instead of remaining stuck.
1. Seek the truth regarding your life without punctuating this reality with an excuse. Look in the mirror and simply describe what you see as you reflect on your life. At this moment, the last month of the year, what does a truthful snapshot of your life look like?
2. Thank God for his love for you in spite of the areas of your life that really need attention. Keep his love and power before you. This will enable you to acknowledge the reality of your blemished life instead of sweeping it away.
3. Pray to God for wisdom to know how to address these areas in your life. Know that you probably did not get this way overnight and, by the grace of God, it will take time to press through some of these issues.
4. Look for a step to take immediately. The time to address the condition of your life is now. Know that your procrastination will only complicate matters, not solve them. You are making progress by taking a single step.
(I recently read a portion of the book Get Off Your “But”: How to End Self-Sabotage and Stand Up for Yourself by Sean Stephenson. This book was useful in helping me think through this post.)
1. Don’t miss the new e-book by Scot McKnight Junia is Not Alone. This book sells for only $2.99. Also, John Mark Hicks has released an e-book Meeting God at the Shack: A Journey into Spiritual Recovery. John Mark wrote these reflections shortly after Paul Young’s book The Shack was released. This book also sells for $2.99.
2. Yesterday, I spent several hours doing a very thorough “Weekly Review.” I think this is one of the most valuable tools that David Allen offers in his book Getting Things Done. This is a valuable way to wrap up the week and get prepared for what is coming in weeks and months ahead. Invariably, when I work through this process, I stumble upon something that I had forgotten or neglected. Doing this on a weekly basis really does help me to not overlook or neglect something that I need to do or be aware of.
3. You might enjoy skimming through the post “The Best Book I Read This Year” by the editors of Atlantic Wire. Also, I find the “What I Read” series very interesting. A number of people have written for this series. I have stumbled on some very interesting resources in these posts.
4. Be sure to read “Is Jesus Just the Background Music in Your Life?” by Ian Cron. His words are something to consider, especially for those of us who spend much time in a Christian sub-culture.
5. Each year in December, Charlotte and I spend a Saturday morning (along with other members of our congregation) working in the Mission Waco Toy Store. Prior to this morning, new toys are donated from all over our city and then sold for a very modest price to those would especially be helped by this opportunity to buy Christmas presents for their children. The waiting line generally begins late afternoon the day before the toy store opens and people wait through the night.
The first mother I assisted began waiting in line at 4:00 PM yesterday and finally entered the store to begin shopping at 9:00 AM. Yet, she mentioned several times how being able to shop for her children in the store was such a blessing.
In many respects, I return from this experience feeling ministered to. After helping this first women this morning, I reflected on my own opportunity to be grateful.
I have every reason to be grateful for the congregation where I serve. Yes, I know their are frustrations and discouragements in congregational ministry. At the same time, however, there are good people in these congregations who in their own quiet way, pray, give, and walk with God in the company of the rest of the church. By the grace of God, they have allowed us to come along side them to serve as ministers, preachers, pastors, and church leaders. For this we can be grateful.
I want to become better. 
As I think about the next 10 years of my life, I want to look back at the end of it and be able to say that in some way I am better.
Now I’m not sure that a restaurant I have in mind right now will be able to say that. Maybe, but I’m not sure. I’ve been there numerous times. They do a number of things well. Their service is quick and friendly. The seating in the restaurant is arranged so that it is very conducive to conversation. The one problem with this place? The food is just — OK. That is about the best I can say. It’s not bad. It’s not great. It’s OK.
Occasionally, somebody will ask to meet me for lunch at this place. I have my expectations trained. The food will probably be “OK.”
Now I don’t want to be like this restaurant. I don’t want to spend the next 10 years of my life as if I were on a stationary bike. I don’t want to spend a lot of energy but still be in the same place.
I really do want to become better.
I want to be a better man by continuing to mature, develop, and grow.
I want to be better at being fully present and aware of the creation that is all around me.
I want to be better at building up and encouraging the people I am with.
I want to be better at loving God and loving people with a generous spirit.
I want to be better at taking action in a timely way instead of waiting and procrastinating.
I want to be better at loving my wife in ways that connect with her instead of missing key opportunities.
I want to be better at being a channel through whom God blesses the people I am with.
I want to be a better student of Jesus. I would like to know his life and teachings better and more faithfully be a Jesus-follower.
Question:
How about you? What kind of person would you like to be in 10 years?
I had visited people who were incarcerated in county jails before. However, I had never been on the same side of the bars as the prisoners.
This was about to change.
Some years ago, at the invitation of a prison ministry, I had the opportunity to speak at a Sunday afternoon worship service for prisoners at Leavenworth. The United States Penitentiary, Leavenworth is a medium security facility for men.
I was instructed to arrive at the penitentiary an hour and a half early to allow sufficient time to go through security. After several security checks, I finally went through the last electronic gate to enter the interior of the prison. I was with several guards and a chaplain. We were on our way to the chapel which, I learned was on the other side of the theater.
The guard said that we would enter the rear of the theater and then walk along one of the side walls until we reached another door. On the other side of the door was the hallway that lead to the chapel.
We entered the back of the dark theater. On the screen was Charles Bronson. Watching the movie were what appeared to be about 500 inmates. I felt nervous as we walked along the left wall of theater. On the screen, someone was shooting what appeared to be an assault rifle. (Who chose this movie for this crowd?) I felt relieved as we finally got to the door that allowed us to enter the hallway leading to the chapel.
Within minutes, inmates began coming into the chapel until finally it was full. The chaplain introduced me and I talked about the story of a good God and the rebellion of Adam and Eve.
Let me tell you what I learned at Leavenworth that evening:
1. I learned to appreciate the power of God and his story. That evening I spoke from the Genesis story (specifically chapters 1-3). As I spoke, something happened that went beyond communicating. I could tell by the look in their eyes, the nodding of heads, and the verbal feedback. They were connecting with that story. Yes, I believe this was God at work.
2. I learned that I need to be in situations where I am not in control. I came away that night humbled and feeling blessed for having been there. This was not a situation that I created. This was not an event that I planned and implemented. Rather, this was being with some men for an hour in a setting that was far removed from my normal experience.
3. I learned that I had an imbalance in my life. I was preaching and teaching numerous sermons and classes. However, most of the time, I was speaking in our church building to people who were primarily members of our congregation. The problem I noticed was that I only rarely spoke to those who were outside the faith. Only occasionally did I speak outside our church building (or another church building). There was something invigorating about this group of people. The problem was not our church. The problem was my ministry. There was an imbalance.
Question:
Have you had experiences where it became apparent that your life was imbalanced? How did you respond to this?
What are these top 10 questions?
It would be interesting to see a list created by church leaders as to what they perceive their members would like to see addressed in their congregation. It might be even more interesting to see this listed next to another list that has been created by everyday church members.
What are questions that church members wish their minister/preacher/pastor/elders etc. would address?
What do you think? I would love to hear your thoughts.
1. What is your point of view? Very often ministers/preachers/pastors see their church from only their perspective without making the effort to see another’s point of view. I have found it very helpful to listen to others so that I can learn what people in these situations really are experiencing.
For example, I might seek to answer these questions.
I first learned of this practice from John Killinger from an early book on preaching. I still think the practice can be very helpful.
2. The best thing that I can bring to my congregation is a healthy self. That is, I can be a man who is godly, who loves people (beginning with my spouse and children), and who leads an ethical/moral life. Don’t underestimate the importance of these three. Yes, I know there are other important factors; however, my intellect, my creativity, and my leadership will never trump my own life before God. As a minister, I really need to start with the basics.
3. Did you see this post about Fred Craddock on CNN online this week? Don’t miss this fine article.
