I am reading 2 Corinthians and thinking about ministry.

She was teaching her high school class one day. The class brought up a particular subject. She asked them how they would go about finding information regarding that subject. She expected they would all say that they would Google the subject and see what came up. No, that wasn’t the answer she got. She said that many of them told her that they would ask, “ChaCha.” I then asked her, “What is chacha?” She said, “Those were my exact words to them.” ChaCha is a way that you can send a text message and then get an answer in just a few seconds.

Here are some of the most popular questions on ChaCha:

*What are some of the top business schools in the country?

*Where can I find a laptop for under $300?

*Where can you watch free movies online?

*How do you make salsa?

It is amazing what you can learn just by texting.

The future is going to be amazing. Just think of the technological advancements over the last fifty years. Who knows what our future holds?

Yet, what is even more remarkable than any technological or cultural advancement, is the story of what God has done in the past, in the present, and in the future. As we complete this

first decade in the 21st century, it is very important that we pay attention to the work of God as the story of his love, grace, and kingdom unfolds. Far too often, we focus our

ministries on what we are doing or what we need to do. If we are not careful, our ministries can be totally focused on our strategies, our tactics, and our goals, to the neglect of God's work in our ministries. Note that I am not suggesting that we should not plan, have specific goals or develop strategies in our congregations. Yet, if we neglect to pay attention to the great work of God in history through his church and through the congregation we make a great mistake. We may begin to think that we bear the complete responsibility for the results of our ministries.

Think for a moment about God's work and the impact of his work on our ministries:   

We have hope because God controls the calendar, not fate. (4:16) Yes, our bodies are “wasting away,” but the greater reality is that there is ongoing renewal into the image of Christ. In other words, because of what God has in store for us, the present is not something that we have to lose heart over. Now he is not trying to minimize the trials that you or anyone else might experience. Rather, he wants to put all of our difficulties (including his own) into God-centered perspective. No matter what, in Christ, we have hope!

We have confidence because of what God has done and what he will do. God raised Jesus from the dead (4:14). He doesn’t lose heart in the midst of physical decay (4:16). There is an eternal dwelling, a home, for us beyond this existence (5:1). God is active and has built us a home. The future dependant on the one who has been at work.

We look to the future with joy because the Holy Spirit who lives within us is God’s down payment of what is to come. (5:5)

We will one day have new bodies in the age to come. (5:1-5) We will not be disembodied spirits or souls floating through the air. What we have to look forward to is better than our present situation.

Question:

Why is it important to stay focused on God's actions in the church and our congregations?

Upgrading relationships is not about fixing other people. Rather it is about being intentional toward others.  

(You can read Part 1 here)

Consider these possibilities for upgrading your relationships.

4. Be intentional about loving another. After all, loving God and loving others are the greatest commandments according to Jesus. One place to begin loving others is your relationships with your spouse, children, co-workers, and friends.

You might find it helpful to reflect on the following questions:

Can my commitment to love others really be seen in tangible, practical actions toward my present relationships? Do I take intentional loving actions toward these people?

5. Receive these individuals just as they are. In contrast, some people, in their relationships, are constantly critiquing and evaluating others.

Recently, I looked for another car, a used car. (Perhaps I should use the language of the car lots. I was looking for a pre-owned car.) After weeks of walking through car lot after car lot, I finally found a particular car that really caught my interest. I began to give serious thought to buying this car. Before buying this car, however, I inspected this car several times. I drove it. I walked around it, keeping my eyes peeled for any dent, nick, or blemish. I inspected the inside of this car, carefully looking for any cut or tear in the fabric or any sort of spot. I did not want to purchase this car and then get home only to realize that I had not inspected it close enough. Inspecting a car like this can be very helpful when buying a car. It is not good to practice this in relationships.

My wife, children, and friends do not need my constant critique and evaluation. Rather, they need for me to receive them and love them just the way they are.

6. Be quick to apologize. I have a friend who once had a strong disagreement with a close friend. In the course of the disagreement, the friend made some very insulting and hurtful remarks to the other guy. As a result, their friendship had a rift for many years. At one point my friend said, "If the relationship is to continue, I will have to move on past these remarks." I then asked, "Did he ever apologize to you?" My friend said, "I've known him for a long time. He is not the kind of person who ever apologizes for anything.

How sad. We all blunder. We all mess up. We all make mistakes. Perhaps you make a thoughtless remark or an attempt to be humorous is taken as an insult. Yet, we enhance our relationships if we are quick to apologize.

Question:

What is important to you as you think about your own behavior in relationships? What especially does damage to significant relationships?

"We can in fact manage ourselves, if we choose to. We cannot control others. But we can offer our point of view, challenge them, and give them room to respond."

Not long ago, I read Leaders Who Last by Margaret J. Marcuson. The book is helpful, not only for those in a formal leadership role, but for anyone who is in a church environment and trying to navigate the various relationships. The book is a fine discussion of Systems Theory as applied to a church context. However, the principles in the book are applicable to many other contexts as well.

The following are some quotes which I think are particularly meaningful:

Here is the heart of what it takes to sustain leadership. We move from the impossible -- controlling others -- to the merely difficult -- managing ourselves. When I hear leaders begin with a question like, "How can I get them to . . . ? then I know that different questions need to be asked: "What is my part in the problem? How can I clarify what I think on this issue? How can I clearly communicate my own point of view?" We can in fact manage ourselves, if we choose to. We cannot control others. But we can offer our point of view, challenge them, and give them room to respond." (p. 3-4)

We need a sense of self apart from the response we receive. When we are less dependent on the approval of others, we can be more effective in our ministry. (p. 6)

Learning how balance is maintained in systems, how people create triangles, and how ways of relating are passed down through the generations will help us sustain our leadership with less frustration and more clarity. (p. 6)

When leaders take a stand, people react automatically. But over time chances are most will come along if the leader calmly stays on course while nurturing relationships with the congregation. (p. 13)

An overfunctioner takes too much responsibility, while an underfunctioner does not take enough responsibility. (p. 13)

Overfunctioners are common among clergy and lay leaders. They look at underfunctioners and think, "If they would just shape up, everything would be fine around here." (p. 14)

Leaders make a difference by the nature of their presence in the system, not by anxiously trying to fix everything and everyone. (p. 16)

I was once in a conversation with a man who was very critical and derogatory toward another man. I gathered he had experienced something very negative with this man and now he resented the guy. Sometime later, I saw these two men together. The man who had made these cutting remarks was now smiling and behaving as if they were good friends. It was a strange contrast with what I had witnessed earlier.   

We are in a variety of relationships with others including:

Spouse

Parents

Friends

Co-workers

Extended family members

People in our church

Yet, many of our relationships rock along, year after year, with very little attention or energy invested.

This series is about upgrading our relationships. What are some practical ways to invest in the relationships that really matter?

Consider these 21 ways to upgrade your relationships:

1. Take inventory of some of the relationships that are most significant to you. How would you rate your marriage right now? How would your spouse rate this same relationship? Is there a relationship with one of your children that is either strained or non-existent? Is this a relationship in which your own renewed investment of time, energy, and attention might make a significant difference? What about your friendships? Is there a friend with whom you need to take the initiative to reconnect?

2. Choose a person (spouse, child, friend) today and do something that communicates to this person that you value her.

3. Make a list of 5 to 10 people who are important to you. List how each of these people adds value to your life. Thank God for each person. Communicate your gratitude to at least one person this weekend.

(to be continued)

Question:

What have you found to be helpful toward upgrading your relationships?

There is often a high price to pay when you bury your feelings.

Feelings exist.

I may not like these feelings.

I may not feel comfortable with these feelings.

I may be very uneasy by what I am feeling.

I can try to bury my feelings but they will not stay buried. At some point in time, they will surface again. Quite often when they do surface, they impact us in negative ways.

Consider:

*Your father dies of cancer. A few months after his funeral, you lose your job. Then, to top this off, your daughter files for divorce. One day you say to a close friend, "I don't think that I have really begun to grieve the death of my father. So much has gone on in the last few months. There has been so much loss."

*You are a minister in a church. You are so tired. It seems like there has been loss after loss. You have done one funeral per month in the last twelve months. A few of these were people you knew well and loved. You really don't feel as if you ever grieved any of these deaths. You were too busy trying to deal with the conflict in your church. You've experienced conflict before in churches but this was particularly hurtful. You learned that a man you thought one of your best friends in the church was being openly critical toward your ministry and was accusing you personally of lacking integrity.

*You dated this girl while both of you were students at the university. To this day, you can't figure out why you stayed together so long. She was manipulative and untrustworthy. Again and again, she cheated on you with other guys. Now, several years later, you find yourself in a similar relationship. You wonder what you are doing to attract these kinds of people. Some very negative feelings are starting to surface that you thought long ago were buried. You never went to counseling after this traumatic first relationship or even process these feelings with another person.

Feelings may be buried for a time but eventually they will bubble up and surface.

Recently I was reading a post by Anne Jackson in which she mentions an important lesson she learned in an English class regarding feelings and expressing them:

As I entered into my last semester of high school in the spring of 1997, I was in an abusive relationship, was still lonely from moving, and had nowhere to turn.

It was also that semester when my senior English class had a student teacher from a local university. His project for us was to keep a journal every day for that semester.

My journal entries started out more like a diary:

“Went to school. Skipped third and fourth period. Went to work. Did homework. Went to bed.”

“It’s my brother’s birthday. I forgot.”

However, we didn’t just keep the journal in class. We read literature and we studied grammar and we wrote an endless amount of book reports. And I don’t remember the context, but at some point mid-semester, the student teacher said something in class that I’ll never forget.

“When you feel something, no matter how good or bad it is, feel it as deeply as you can. And remember it. Write it down.”

Now that last line really struck me. In fact, I read it several times. This is so much healthier than doing what I have done on far too many occasions when I have attempted to bury feelings.

So what prompts us to bury our feelings?

1. We may hear old messages from the past. "You really shouldn't feel this way." "If you really loved the Lord, you wouldn't have these feelings." On and on it goes. Such messages can encourage one to bury feelings.
2. We may decide that being "nice" is a primary value. Consequently, being nice is placed at the front of the line. If feelings don't seem to harmonize with being nice then they are buried. Some ministers particularly get into trouble with this one, thinking that they are called to be nice (even toward someone who is rude, ill-mannered, and behaves like a jerk). Note that Jesus does not model being nice. He models what it means to be a loving person.
3. We may be afraid of these feelings. Some feelings like grief, shame, and loss are very painful and quite difficult.

Question:

When have you been tempted to bury your feelings? Have you experienced the futility of attempting to bury your feelings?

I'll admit it.

I like ministers.

Well, at least most of them. Yes, some of them (us?) can be difficult to like. There are some ministers who behave unethically and even immorally. Some do not treat their congregations right.   

Yet, It also concerns me when I hear the stories of how poorly some ministers and their families are treated. In fact, in some instances, it is downright shameful! I am thinking about good men and women who are treated thoughtlessly.

Many times, we just don't think. We don't think about these men and women who would be encouraged greatly by being asked some good questions by elders and/or others in the congregation.

The follow are questions that some ministers are never asked:

1. How are you really doing? (Some people are rarely if ever asked how they are really doing.)

2. Is there anything we could do as a church that would bring more joy to your life?

3. What could we (elders/staff ministers/key people) do that might bring greater satisfaction to you in your ministry?

4. Is your salary sufficient? Are we, as a church, providing for your financial needs adequately?

5. Do you feel like this is a good place for your spouse and children?

6. Are there ways that we (perhaps unknowingly) put roadblocks before you, making your ministry and life difficult?

7. Is there anything about your work and ministry here that is particularly hard on your family life? If so, is there a way that we could work together to make this a better situation for everyone?

8. What part of your work is energy producing and life giving? What aspect of your work is draining and energy depleting?

9. Do you believe that you are using your best gifts in your ministry here? What would you really like to be doing?

10. Is there an "elephant" in the room (this congregation) that impacts you personally that really needs to be addressed?     

Now obviously, this is a two-way street. Ministers have responsibilities as well and need to be thoughtful regarding the elders, their co-workers, and others in the congregation.Yet for now, I want to suggest that these are some questions that some ministers are never asked.

Question:

What question would you add to this list?

Through the years, as a minister, I have sat with person after person and listened to sad, difficult stories.

I have heard so many secrets.

• The alcoholic father who told me of his affair with his high school daughter's friend.
• The foster children who told me of a cruel woman who isolated them in a basement each evening, while the rest of the family ate dinner together. Later, they were brought the family's leftovers.
• The mother who grew up constantly hearing critical, demeaning words from her mother.
• The man, who as a child, had lived with a brutal, bullying father. Yet at church, his father was perceived to be very godly.
• The young woman who told me of the abortion she had while in college and how she had lived with this secret for several decades.

I am reading Joe Queenan's memoir, Closing Time .

It is the story of a boy who grew up in a Philadelphia housing project. He and his three sisters are forced to make do. They live with their father and mother in an atmosphere that does not feel emotionally or physically safe. Their mother repeatedly said to her children that she wished she had never had children. Their mother seemed emotionally disconnected from the family. Meanwhile, their father was a violent man -- especially when he drank:

My father got broke when he was young, and he never got fixed. He may have wanted to be a good father, a good husband, a good man, but he was not cut out for that job. He liked to drink, and unlike some men who like to drink, it was the only thing he liked to do. Among our relatives, he had a reputation as a happy-go-lucky fellow who, once he got a few beers in him, would turn into the life of the party. He was not the life of our party. Most of the time he was already dead drunk when he came home from work, spoiling for a fight with whoever crossed him first. (p. 7)

What memories.

His father, when he was drunk, beat his children, quite often. The rest of the family, instead of condemning such behavior, seemed more interested in providing excuses for such behavior. Queenan says that, "Manufacturing excuses for my father's behavior was a family industry." (p. 9)

Does this kind of excuse-making sound familiar to you?

Do you know what it is to have been hurt, abused, cheated, betrayed by family or friends and then have loved ones make excuses for such behaviors?

• "Your daddy is under a lot of stress and he sometimes explodes when he is home."
• "Now I'm not saying I agree with what he did. But you haven't been the best wife either."
• "You should not have upset your mother. If you kids would straighten up, she wouldn't act that way."
• "Well, he probably didn't really mean to say those things. He just looses his temper when you don't do what he wants."
• "Your husband is a good man. I'm sure the situation is not as bad as you describe it."

What complicates this even further is when a husband/wife or father/mother is perceived to be a Christian by those in their church, and yet family members live with this person's ruthless, manipulative behavior during the week.

Perhaps none of this is a part of your experience. You may, however, have witnessed this kind of behavior in other families.

Meanwhile, many people spend years working through the impact of these secrets on their thinking, their emotions, and their faith.

Question:

How do such secrets impact an adult in later years? How does excuse-making complicate life?

Destruction. Chaos. Poverty. Death.

The pictures are haunting after this horrific earthquake.

Children alone in the ruble.

The wounded dazed and in shock wandering through the streets.

A nation, 700 miles from Miami, Florida, already the poorest nation in the Western Hemisphere has now been ravaged by this disaster.

Meanwhile, we pray to God.

We look for practical ways to help. (Like here or here.)

We give these people the dignity they deserve as fellow human beings, created by God, by paying attention to what is happening there.

Feel free to add your own thought or prayer as a comment.