I once heard Edwin Friedman use a term that I had never heard before. He spoke of the difference between a "peacemaker" and a "peacemonger." Jesus was a peacemaker. That is, he sought to build bridges and bring people together. The ultimate peacemaking act was his death on the cross. He was willing to go through pain, suffering, and injustice in order to bring real peace to the earth. He affirms people who are real peacemakers, saying that they will be called "…the children of God."
Friedman said that what often passes for peacemaking, however, is actually peacemongering. Peacemongers are more concerned about good feelings than progress. They don’t want anyone to be upset and if something causes a person some degree of pain, they are willing to do away with it. Peacemongers have no backbone. They are not willing to endure pain — either their own or someone else’s. They just want everyone to feel good.
As a result, Friedman explained, the least mature people (the least emotionally mature) in an organization are allowed to take over. For example, suppose a family has decided to go out to eat dinner one evening. They are going to eat at a wonderful Mexican restaurant. They are together in the car, all of them anticipating a great meal. Then, the six-year-old announces that he does not want to go there. He does not want Mexican food. He wants to go to McDonald’s.
What happens? The parents try to reason with him. They explain to him that he can get something good at the Mexican place. He continues to announce that he doesn’t want to go. Now the conversation changes. Dad says, "Well, Chick-fil-A is next door to McDonald’s. Why don’t we go there and we will go in McDonald’s for the Happy Meal." So, the entire evening is changed because the mom and dad wanted to preserve good feelings instead of going on to their original destination.
How many churches and other organizations have completely altered and changed good things they were doing because a person complained and announced that he/she was unhappy?
Peacemakers are quite different. They love people who might complain, and they wish to stay connected with them. However, they do not curtail progress because one person does not care for a particular program or project.
Does this make sense? In other words, peacemaking encourages people to move toward emotional maturity. (Mexican may not be your favorite. Okay. But, this is what we are going to do tonight.) Move toward maturity. Enjoy the evening and make the most of family time even though this is not your favorite place. This might be good for all of us to hear.
Peacemongering encourages people to remain in emotional immaturity. They learn that if they will create enough of a fuss, someone will stop the car and go to the place where they want to eat.
Do you recall seeing families, churches, and other organizations in which emotional immaturity was rewarded?
I suppose I have. I think it’s all in the leadershipl. They must be humble, yet doing so as those who hold to the truth. Showing the grace and truth that is of Jesus.
Jesus certainly was out to please no one but the Father, including even himself.
Wow, Jim. What a fine post. That distinction between making and mongering is something that every leader needs to understand.
Along that same line, many years ago I read someone who was pointing out the differences between being a servant and being servile. The servant knows what (s)he stands for and wants to do. The servile person waits to hear what someone else wants, and then tries to take care of that.
If my experience is any indicator, many young preachers are tempted to be servile peace-mongers.
This is an excellent post–thoughtful and timely. Thank you.
Jim, this was a phenomenal post. I think your July sabbath was well worth it!!! I hear this a lot in terms of not being a stumbling block for those in the body who are affected negatively by others, where Paul was talking about eating meat sacrificed to idols. People will avoid hot button issues because they are afraid of being a stumbling block to others, when really they are afraid of making someone uncomfortable and dealing with hard issues. It is hard for me to hear these things when I think Paul was talking about people actually losing their faith in Jesus over an issue rather than just experiencing discomfort. How different our churches might be if we attended to those issues/behaviors/interactions in our lives that actually led to people moving away from faith in Jesus rather than avoiding those that make folks uncomfortable.. I know at times when I post I probably sound cynical. It is a reflection of where I am right now with communities of faith. I’m not avoiding them, and have not avoided going, but am certainly frustrated with these issues that continue to plague the church. May I attend to the places where I am a peacemonger rather than a peacemaker. Thanks for the challenge, Jim.
Peacemaking equals peacemongering? Sounds a little like 1984s "War = Peace". You say this new peace mongerer doesn’t want others to get upset? Since I want you and others like you to become upset, I can’t quite be considered a peacemongerer…I’m not here to defend spineless, thoughtless hippies. What I am here to do is upset you, and to make an observation. Your blog is not brilliant. It is propoganda designed to make people like you automatically consider those who are against the war in Iraq (or any religion-inspired conflict) to be immature, dumb, spineless children that just need to be dealt with with a firm hand-and to be ignored. The good reasons, the moral reasons, as well as the political & pragmatic reasons for opposing violence-let alone the war in Iraq-are too extensive to be listed here, and if you haven’t heard them by now, you’ve been living in a cave. Concerning your analogy, the point that one should not give in to every complaint and desire a young child has is a solid point. But at the same time, I’m disturbed by the implication that good feelings are not a major concern…something that should not be taken into account–especially if its your own child’s good feelings. A bad father would just say "shut up, were going to the fancy restaurant". A good father would either explain to the child that everyone else wants to go somewhere else, and that we need to be concerned about their feelins too; or, he might even ask the others if they don’t mind going to McDonalds. If the others were cool or indifferent with going to Mcdonalds, then it would be an opportunity to make his daughter happy. When it comes to foreign policy, a complete disreguard for the feelings of our allies, as well as all the folks destined to face dire consequences of our actions, results in a big mess–and this is what we have now.
Jim, thanks for a great post (and thanks to Friedman for phrasing the difference between "peacemaking" and "-mongering" so well). How many congregations are held captive by their unwillingness to experience disagreement without giving in.
Frank,I have never heard this distinction made before and I think it is very good. I want to make a note of this– servant and servile. Thanks very much!
John,I have really been blessed by people like Friedman and P. Steinke.Hope you are doing well in your new surroundings.
Shirley,Thanks very much. I’m so glad you left a note today.
Ted,You say it simply and say it well. Jesus was not out to please anyone but the Father–not even himself.Great!
Jennifer,You make a good point. So often we are preoccupied with matters that cause others to become upset instead of giving our attention to matters that actually cause others to move away from the Lord. I also like the way you break this down, Jennifer, into issues/behaviors/interactions.Thank you. (Thanks for the kind words regarding the post)
Josh,Thanks for your comment. Perhaps I would distinguish love from good feelings. I don’t know that the most loving thing for me to do as a father or husband is to alway preserve good feelings. As I reared my children, I found that at times the most loving action did not necessarily produce good feelings. Of course when some action produces good feelings, that is wonderful and can even be celebrated.The subject of the post was family systems. I am not sure where you found Iraq.Glad you left your thoughts.
This is an interesting post. I was sitting down discussing this same concept with my preteen son yesterday. I think I will print this out and share this discussion with him.