The following is the second in an elaboration of "Ten Things I Have Learned about Ministry and Life" (A discussion of the first one can be found here.)
I have learned that many people behave in ways that I should not take personally.
When you are dealing with people, you may as well get ready for the unexpected! There are some people who will respond to you in ways that are just baffling. At one time, I took many of these responses far too personally. For example, if a person exploded in anger at me, I sometimes assumed far too quickly that I had done something wrong. I might have thought to myself, "Surely if I had handled this differently, this person would not have reacted so strongly."
At other times, I allowed the stinging criticism of another to become almost debilitating. I even allowed the negative words of another to shake my confidence and douse the flame of my passion.
The truth? I have learned at this point in my life that people will behave in ways that I should not take too personally. That tone of voice, that criticism, that intense behavior may have absolutely nothing to do with me. In fact, it may have more to do with what is going on in that person’s life.
Some people feel:
1. A deep sense of loss. Think for a moment about the possible losses in life. A person might lose his health, his job, his marriage, a friend, financial security, a parent, his home (perhaps the place where he grew up), a position in the organization, his dream, etc. These losses can add up and can be quite severe. Maybe the person with whom I am speaking has experienced some losses that have really shaken him. His behavior and words toward me may actually be rooted in this sense of loss.
2. A very real fear. So much of what is said in conversation and so much of our behavior is rooted in our fears. Here is a person who is a control freak. Maybe this person is a benevolent controller. That is, this person may do her controlling with a smile on her face. Her efforts to control might feel so demeaning at times as she tries to micromanage another’s every move. Maybe I am dealing with such a person. I could take this too personally and wonder, "Does she not trust me? Does she think that I can’t do this correctly? What have I done to deserve this mistrust?" The truth is that I may have done nothing to warrant this. In fact, her desire to control may have nothing to do with me. It may have everything to do with her fears.
3. Unresolved guilt. Guilt is everywhere. Maybe a person feels guilty over something done in high school or college years ago. Another feels guilty over her behavior on a business trip last year. Still another feels guilty over the lack of time that he is spending with his children. Perhaps the parent of an adult child feels guilty due to some of the decisions this adult child has made. Consequently, this unresolved guilt seems to drive much of what this person does or says.
So what is the point of all of this? I have learned that there may be something going on in the heart of another that may be fueling the behavior or attitude of that person. In fact, that person’s behavior toward me may actually have very little to do with me. To become overly focused on myself (wondering what I did or said to cause this) may cause me to miss rich opportunities for ministry to this person.
What about you? Have you been on the other end of some negative behavior or words only to later realize that the conversation or action really had nothing to do with you? Do you ever find yourself overly focused on where you might have gone wrong instead of seeing what really might be fueling that person’s reaction?
Jim, Good thoughts and reminder.
I try to think of what might be affecting those who seem troubled or lash out. It does help, what you say. I’ve come a long way in understanding it. It does help one not to take hits, even from other Christians, so personally, or maybe even personally at all.
Due to the nature of my work, I have had to learn not to take things personally. When someone is lashing out at me, I try focus on doing what is the right thing for that person rather than trying to defend myself. It is not as difficult to do this in a work setting because I am not emotionally invested in what the other person thinks of me. It’s a lot tougher to do this with family and friends, though!
After getting married to my wonderful wife Amber, I had to really learn to not take things personally. My wife and I are deemed a "mixed couple" and so I have learned to grow a "second skin" if you will, especially when members of the Church utter unkind comments or behave in a negative way towards us. Learning not to take their comments personally has help us to reinforce our commitment to each other. I heard it said, people fear most, that which they do not understand. So all I can do is to just love them like Jesus would.
Thank you Ted. I hope you are doing well.
Connie,Thanks! I suspect that health care workers can identify with you. (So true what you say regarding this being easier with people where there is no emotional investment)
Bryan,So sorry that you have found the need for a "second skin" because of these unkind remarks. I do think you are right about people fearing what they do not understand.