Archives For Emotional Maturity

When You Realize You are Out of Control

March 13, 2013 — Leave a comment

outofcontrolOne night I was driving home from my job at UPS.  It was about midnight and was raining. I was in college and was driving my father’s car, which I rarely drove.  As I recall, my car was in the shop being repaired.  I was on Stemmons Expressway (I-35) and going much too fast considering the rain.  At one point, the car began to hydroplane on the water surface.  I remember wondering how I would stop.  The car began to do a 360 on the expressway.  I wondered if I was going to get hit from behind.  Finally after turning around completely, the car came to a stop. I then slowly began to drive ahead again.

I had been totally out of control.

Reynolds Price, novelist and longtime English professor at Duke, spoke at the 1992 Founder’s Day at Duke and challenged his audience with some observations regarding many students.

But you’ll find other sights that breed concern. . . . walk your attentive self through the quads.  Stand at a bus stop at noon rush-hour; roam the reading rooms of the libraries in the midst of term and the panic of exams.  Lastly, eat lunch in a dining hall and note the subjects of conversation and the words employed in student discussion.  (I’m speaking mostly of undergraduates, but not exclusively.) 

Try to conceal your consternation at what is often the main theme of discourse — something less interesting than sex and God, the topics of my time.  If for instance you can eat a whole meal in a moderately occupied Duke dining hall without transcribing a certain sentence at least once, I’ll treat you to the legal pain reliever of your choice.  The sentence runs more or less like this, in male or female voice – - “I can’t believe how drunk I was last night.” 

Considering that the social weekends of many students now begin – - indeed are licensed by us to begin – - at midday on Thursday and continue through the morning hours of Monday (as they never did in the old days of “country club” Duke), maybe the sentence is inevitable – - at least in the bankrupt America we’re conspiring to nurture so lovingly and toward which we blindly, or passively anyhow, wave our students.  

“I can’t believe how drunk I was last night.”

Totally out of control. Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity, Relationships, Spiritual Life
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Mark of Dysfunction: Keep this Deadly Secret

January 9, 2013 — Leave a comment

shhhOne mark of a dysfunctional marriage, family, or church is that others within the system are not supposed reveal the secret.

What is the secret?

You are not to tell anyone about the way things really are in this marriage, this family, or this church.  After all, what would people think?

Of course, I do appreciate husbands and wives who obviously love one another.  It is really nice to see husbands and wives who still have much affection for one another after many years.

I do remember seeing an interesting Facebook status one day.  It said something like this:

Twenty-five years ago I met the man of my dreams.  We have loved together, laughed together, and dreamed together.  I am so fortunate to be this man’s wife.  Looking forward to the next 25 years.

Now many people enter a status like this one on their anniversary or spouse’s birthday.  What struck me as odd about this particular post is that it never occurred to me (and I suspect many of their other friends) that she in any way adored or treasured this man.  In fact, it really didn’t appear that they valued each other very much at all.  The way they treated one another each day made such a post on their anniversary seem odd.

It was almost like she was trying to sell something to the rest of us.

Continue Reading…

In Church, Emotional Maturity, Family ,
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Why Are You So Angry?

December 11, 2012 — 6 Comments

portrait of angry young man shouting using mobile over black bacHave you noticed?

Some people are very, very angry.

  • The angry driver who is furious because another driver dared to pass him on the Interstate.
  • The grandfather in his 60s who pounds the check-in desk with his hand, demanding that the clerk yield to his demands.
  • The young man and woman who stand beside their car in the afternoon screaming at one another.

James Houston, in a presentation called “Living the Mentored Life,” suggests that three kinds of anger are often seen in people.

1.  People who are angry with a controllable anger.  This anger can be like a spewing volcano.  These people are visibly angry.

2.  Pleasers who are angry.  These people suppress their own identity in order to placate others.

3.  Givers who are angry.  These people give to others but are often very angry as well.  Often these people are perfectionists as they relate to other people.

Houston says that these are actually faulty substitutes for emotions found in healthy relationships.

I’ve rarely, if ever, heard anyone refer to himself as an angry person.  However, I have heard numerous spouses speak of the angry people they married.  I have a good friend who speaks of the long legacy of angry people in his family.  In fact, his father/grandfather were both known for their rage.

Questions:

What has been helpful to you in dealing with your own anger?  What has been helpful in dealing with the anger of others?

In Emotional Maturity
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Lifelong Learners Live Balanced Lives

November 12, 2012 — 1 Comment

balanced-bird (1)Leaders who are lifelong learners take care of the physical body that God has given them.

I once saw a picture of my father-in-law when he was in his twenties. He was standing next to another minister. He looked overweight and uncomfortable. His skin seemed to be a pasty white and puffy. He did not look healthy or fit at all.

Years later he reflected on those days and told me of his lifestyle. He got virtually no exercise. He hurried from one town to the next to preach weeklong revivals.   If he preached on a Sunday morning, then he might stay busy all afternoon visiting with people in the congregation or town (as opposed to resting). Then before he preached that evening, feeling exhausted, he would drink several cups of coffee. He once said, “Looking back, I would have been much more effective if I had rested on those Sunday afternoons. Perhaps I could have taken a walk or gone running.”

My father-in-law had health difficulties for many years. These problems began while he was in his early thirties and continued throughout much of his life. He believed that his lifestyle as a young minister contributed to some of his early medical problems. Later, he wisely lived a more balanced and healthy life. He gently encouraged me to do the same. Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity, Self-Care
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Lifelong Learners Grow Emotionally and Relationally

November 7, 2012 — 4 Comments

learn1They may be pleasant and intelligent people. Very often, they are Christian people.   There are some people who have developed their thinking processes quite well. There are some who have the capacity to grasp intellectual complexities and make sense of them.

Yet, some of these same people never seem to grow up emotionally.

Yet, there are people whohave just never been able to progress or move ahead in terms of allowing the Gospel to make a difference in the way they handle their emotions.

Lifelong learners are willing to learn and grow. Learning, however, is not limited to mental, cognitive growth. A commitment to be a lifelong learner is not just a commitment to read more books.

No, we make the commitment to grow relationally and emotionally.

A few years ago, I read Peter Scazzero’s The Emotionally Healthy Church. A good book.   This particular paragraph in the Introduction (p. 17) caught my attention:

The sad truth is that too little difference exists, in terms of emotional and relational maturity, between God’s people inside the church and those outside who claim no relationship to Jesus Christ. Even more alarming, when you go beyond the praise and worship of our large meetings and conventions and into the homes and small-group meetings of God’s people, you often find a valley littered by broken and failed relationships. Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity ,
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5 Marks of Mature Behavior

November 6, 2012 — 1 Comment

maturityEmotionally immature people can do great damage to others. This is compounded when these same people perceive themselves to be spiritually mature.

I’ve seen this far too often.  A few examples:

1.  Years ago, a “spiritually mature” person explained to me over lunch why he didn’t have to forgive a family member for the way this person had treated him.  (He had accused this family member of swindling him in a financial deal.) This “spiritually mature” person concluded that he did not have to forgive this person because Jesus did not address situations exactly like his.

2.  A person who saw himself as “spiritually mature” was not on speaking terms with a person who had been a longtime friend.  This “spiritually mature” person would not speak unless spoken too.  He would deliberately move to the other side of a room if it appeared he would be in close proximity of his former friend.  This became obvious to others.  On one occasion, he was confronted about the problem that existed between the two and denied there was any problem.

So how does a person seeking maturity behave?

A maturing person seeks to behave appropriately (instead of allowing raw emotion to dictate one’s response).

A maturing person seeks to grow and display the virtues of Christ (instead of yielding to one’s own fleshly appetites).

A maturing person desires to display love (instead of yielding to one’s moodiness or impulsivity).

A maturing person takes responsibility for her emotions (instead of justifying foolish, self-absorbed behavior).

A maturing person is known for integrity and truthfulness (instead of being known for manipulation and a self-seeking attitude.)

I like the following thoughts by Peter Scazzero:

It’s taking people beyond outward changes and moving into the depths of their interior life in order to be transformed.

We look at this process in two broad strokes. First, we say that every Christian should have a contemplative life. Simply put, that means that each follower of Christ needs to cultivate a deep relationship with Christ—without living off other people’s spiritual lives. That requires slowing down and structuring your whole life in such a way that Christ really becomes your Center.

Secondly, emotionally healthy spirituality means that emotional maturity and spiritual maturity go hand in hand. It’s simply not possible to become spiritually mature while you remain emotionally immature. And emotional maturity really boils down to one thing: love. So if you’re critical, defensive, touchy, unapproachable, insecure—telltale signs of emotional immaturity—you can’t be spiritually mature. It doesn’t matter how “anointed” you are or how much Bible knowledge you have. Love is that indispensable mark of maturity. Emotionally healthy spirituality unpacks what that looks like (“The Spiritual Importance of Becoming an Emotionally Healthy Preacher,”   

Question:

How would you describe the behavior who is serious about maturing?

 

In Emotional Maturity ,
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5 Marks of Immature Behavior

October 23, 2012 — 5 Comments

13888675-caucasian-man-unshaven-portrait-sulk-bored-isolated-studio-on-black-backgroundI handled the situation poorly.

In a word, I acted immaturely.  My wife had made a request.  Perhaps my response was due to my own self-centeredness or maybe I just reacted without thinking.  Regardless, my response was immature.

Far too often, marriages become stuck in immature behavior, with the relationship regressing instead of growing.  Sometimes families struggle as extended family members behave immaturely instead of maturely.  Church leaders sometimes sabotage their own influence due to consistent immature behavior.

Immature behavior from others can be very frustrating.  After all, immaturity is a natural characteristic of a child.  A 40-year-old should not be known for his or her immaturity.

Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity, Family
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Ministry Inside.93

September 20, 2012 — Leave a comment

Ministers can be very fearful people and yet never acknowledge their fears.

Fear has a way of becoming the elephant in the room in ministry. A minister, out of fear and insecurity, finds ways of reminding others that he is an important person and is needed by the congregation.  He may become fearful when he is not “in the know” about a particular family or issue.

Ministers can cripple their ministry and severely limit their influence by not addressing their fears.

Ministers can be imprisoned and bound by fear:

  • What if people see how inadequate I really am?
  • What if the people in the congregation stop liking me?
  • What if I fail in this congregation?
  • What if my ministry peers see that I am not as competent or skilled as they are?
  • What if I lead this initiative and it fails?
  • What if people find out that sometimes, as a church leader, I don’t know what to do?
  • What if I remain in obscurity for the rest of my life?
  • What if I am never seen as significant, important, or competent?
  • What if I never move beyond my fears and my insecurities?
  • What if I should be doing something else with my life besides “full-time” ministry?
  • What if I’m fired?
  • What if others see me as fearful instead of a person of faith?

Maybe you identify with at least one of these thoughts.  I wish I could say that I’ve only had one of these fears.

If not met head on with the power of God’s Spirit, fear has a way of taking over one’s life.

The following has been helpful:

1.  God can and will deliver us from our fears (Psalms 34:4).

2.  Pray, trusting in the Holy Spirit, for God to give you the power and courage to take the next obedient step.  This is critical.  After all, fear can be paralyzing and cause you to be immobile and unresponsive to what God wants you to do.

3.  Thank God for his powerful presence.  Throughout Scripture, he reminds his people (and his leaders in particular): “I will be with you” (Genesis 31:3, Exodus 3:12, Joshua 1:5, Judges 6:16).

4.  Voice your fear aloud to God.  ”Lord, I am afraid that ….”  Sometimes we allow the restless rumblings in our hearts to dominate.  Articulating your concerns to God in prayer instead of quietly brooding can sometimes help in claiming the promises and power of God’s presence.

Question:

What has been helpful to you in dealing with your fear?

In Emotional Maturity, Fear, Ministry Inside ,
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Ministry Inside.88

August 16, 2012 — 2 Comments

CoffeeBar_rephotography_011Each Thursday, I write a post that is designed with church leaders in mind. Many of these Thursday posts, however, are applicable to those who are not church leaders.  Church leaders and lay people both may find today’s post useful.

During July, I sat in a restaurant with a wonderful man in his 80s.  He is a former college professor, administrator, and minister.  He continues to think, grow, and make a difference.  I asked him to lunch because of particular questions I had about life as well as ministry.  I have always valued his wisdom from a distance.  This conversation, however, would be in person and last about an hour and a half.

My friend was generous with his time, his insight, and his wisdom.  After the conclusion of the lunch, I wrote several pages in my journal, carefully recording his answers to my questions.  I have read through these notes several times.  The conversation was one of the most valuable experiences I had in July.

One of the most important practices of my ministry has been creating the opportunities to learn from various people by simply asking questions.  I will ask someone to coffee or lunch and then ask questions about life, ministry, or leadership.  I have learned so much from these conversations.

I continue to seek out people whom I can learn from.  Let me encourage you to do the same.

Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity, Leadership, Self-Care, Spiritual Life ,
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How to Pay More Attention to Character than Image

August 15, 2012 — 6 Comments

woodenmirrormuseumThe Penn State scandal has underscored a fundamental issue that is present in far too many of us:

Some of us are more concerned about the image we project than the kind of person we really are.

I once heard the story of a couple that purchased a house in an exclusive neighborhood north of Dallas.  They moved into the house and immediately put up coverings over each window.  Months later this couple was arrested and indicted for their participation in some fraudulent scheme.  Authorities came to their home and discovered that the house was basically empty.  They had a cardboard table, a couple of folding chairs, a television, and a single mattress.

The story revealed that the couple had sold their previous home and belongings.  They moved into this exclusive neighborhood to create the impression that they were doing quite well financially.  This home was way beyond their means, and they were able to live there only after selling all their belongings.  Neighbors noticed they never opened their blinds or curtains.  That was because they didn’t want anyone to see that the house was practically empty.

Some people are willing to do most anything to create a particular kind of image.  Image, however, is not a substitute for character.

Image people want to appear cool wherever they are.  If they are on the road traveling with business associates, they want to appear totally with whatever is happening.  If they are at church, they want to appear to be the devoted family person.  Image wants others to know they are “in.”

Image people want others to think they are not lacking in any way.  They may make statements to their family members such as:

  • You don’t want people to think we can’t afford to buy nice things.
  • You don’t want people to think we buy cheap clothes.
  • You don’t want people to think we can’t go on great trips.
  • You don’t want people to think we don’t get invited to nice parties.
  • You don’t want people to think we live in an old neighborhood.
  • You don’t want people to think our kids are not as good as theirs.

Image people are far more concerned with the way they appear than the way they are.  Their Facebook status always communicates that they live one awesome, glorious life every moment of the day.  Really?

They are more concerned about the way others perceive them than the reality of their lives.  This is one reason why a person’s public and private persona can be so different.

Focusing on our image while we neglect our character is like having a manicured lawn around our home while we neglect the cracking foundation.  The house may look appealing at first glance but may be in serious trouble due to a neglected foundation.

Continue Reading…

In Emotional Maturity, Spiritual Formation, Spiritual Life
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