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Keep Your Marriage Out of the Ditch

February 24, 2012 in Family/Marriage with 2 Comments

Some people are married for a few years and then they get stuck in the ditch.car-in-ditch-in-snow.jpg

I want to reflect on this page about marriage and how to keep it out of the ditch.

As I write this particular post, I am thinking about couples in their 20s. Perhaps you’ve been married for a few years. You may even have a small child or two (but not necessarily).

So you’ve been married for several years. Perhaps you both have jobs. Yes, the economy is a real issue but so far you’ve been able to do much that you’ve wanted to do. If you went to college, you’ve probably been out for several years. Now you have jobs. You are paying off school loans. You have responsibilities.

You are married.

Let me suggest a few problems that sometimes surface in marriage during the early years.

1. Am I still cool? You may be out of college and paying a mortgage. Yet, you may still want to prove that you have what it takes. For some women/men, this impacts the way they dress and the way they relate to the opposite sex. Far too often married men and women flirt with others at work to prove to themselves that they still have it. This may include suggestive and risque texting and FB messaging. This is a very dangerous game to play.

2. Why do we have so many arguments? Some married couples seem to fuss with one another a lot. You may find this to be familiar ground. Part of this frustration is that often a couple feels as if they are getting nowhere in these arguments. Some explode while others withdraw. Some argue with insults and put-downs. Unfortunately, some couples do a poor job of forgiving one another.

3. Why doesn’t he grow up? A woman once told me that she had four boys. She had three sons and was married to another boy. She was frustrated that he wouldn’t grow up. No, this is not limited to men. (There are certainly young women who refuse to grow up as well.) Picture a young mother with three children. It is Saturday. She is trying to clean the house and prepare lunch. Her husband is sitting in his recliner with the television blaring. He gets upset because one of the kids is screaming during his game. To her, this relationship feels lopsided. These are our children. This is our house that needs cleaning. He mutters something about this being just the way he is.

4. I didn’t know it was going to be like this. He had expectations. You had expectations. “Wow, this is not what I expected.” Many Christian women have said, “I thought he was a spiritual person. He talked a lot about his faith when we were dating. Now I have to practically drag him to church. Why can’t he be more like other husbands who seem to be such godly men?”

How do you adjust your expectations? Where did your expectations come from? Do you just shrug your shoulders and give up? Or, do you dig in your heels, determined to get your way.

5. We are stuck. Some couples are stuck. She may say at one point, “We really need to see a counselor to talk about our marriage.” His response may be, “I don’t have a problem. I’m doing just fine. If you have a problem, you go to counseling.” Later, as she finally disengages emotionally from her husband, he is alarmed and wants to get help. She has no interest at this point.

Some couples get stuck but they do very little that is constructive to help them get unstuck. Many couples are more concerned about their image than their reality. Consequently, they attempt to communicate to their friends and others that they are doing very well, even though their marriage is coming unraveled. To complicate matters even further, some men and women will not read or do anything intentional to learn, grow, and develop.

       

Question:

Which one of the five issues mentioned do you most relate to from your own experience?


5 Ways to Kill Your Marriage

September 20, 2011 in Family/Marriage, Relationships with 8 Comments

Some marriages die from neglect. marriagebroken.jpg

Below are 5 ways to kill a marriage. Perhaps you can think of more.


Don’t worry about being gracious.

One day you and your wife are running errands. She says that she would like a Coke. You reluctantly pull up to a convenience store. You turn off the engine and say something like, “You go get it yourself. It’s not me that wants a Coke.”   

You have been invited to join several other people for dinner at your friend’s home. As you enter this home, your friend says, “Watch where you step. There is no telling when my wife last vacuumed the floor.” (Yes, this really happened.)

A lack of graciousness communicates more than bad manners. Rather, it reveals a lack of grace in the relationship. Spouses who practice graciousness communicate, “I will not embarrass you or humiliate you in any way. You can count on me.”   


Say whatever happens to pass through your mind.

Excuse yourself by saying, “I’m just being honest.” Really? Do we really believe that it is loving and wise to say whatever happens to enter our minds with no filter whatsoever? Words can be deadly. In fact, one can crush a spouse with careless words.


Pay little attention to your friendship with your spouse.

It is amazing how many couples stop being attentive to one another’s friendship. I’ve seen this again and again. A couple begins pulling away from each another. Two years later their divorce is finalized. At some point, they often stop being friends. It is not that they are hurtful to one another. Many couples who divorce do not deliberately try to hurt their spouse. Instead, what often happens is they stop investing in their friendship with each other.

Charlotte and I have been married for 33 years. I can not overemphasize the importance of genuine friendship in marriage. Not only is she my wife but also my closest friend. This alone has great implications for marriage and commitment to one another.


Be a different kind of person when your spouse isn’t around.

Marriages begin to come unraveled when trust and trustworthiness end. After all, friendship is grounded in trust. Quite often men and women will begin to live divided lives. That is, a man will go to work and speak to other women in ways that would disappoint and even anger his spouse if she knew. Or, it could be that a spouse behaves in ways that are totally self-absorbed. I once heard of a woman who spent money with reckless abandon when her spouse was not around. Yet, when they were together, she projected a much different attitude toward their finances. Marriages are damaged when husbands and wives realize that they can no longer trust their spouses.


Keep part of your life secret.

Secret texts.

Secret calls.

Secret email accounts.

For some, this begins innocently when one’s spouse is on Facebook and gets a friend request from a former high school classmate. She accepts his friend request. They begin messaging. Often, there is nothing inappropriate said for awhile. Yet, the communication is frequent and regular. She/he may mention to their spouses that they heard from an old friend. Yet, they may not be sharing either the content or the frequency of these exchanges.

All I’m saying is that this kind of secrecy has a way of eroding a marriage over time. Intimacy is built on transparency not secrecy.


Question:

What other behaviors can contribute to the death of a marriage over time?

5 Jobs That Helped Prepare Me

August 22, 2011 in Family/Marriage with 9 Comments

Seriously.Jobs.gif

These jobs helped prepare me for life and ministry.

I learned much through these experiences. Years later, can I see how God used them. The following are the jobs I had in earlier years:


1. A paper route for The Dallas Morning News. My route consisted of four long streets in Dallas. This meant getting out of bed by 4:00 AM and being on my bike minutes later. On Sundays, the papers were so large that my mom drove me, folding these papers while I threw them from house to house (the newspapers had to be on the porch in those days). In the early morning hours, I noticed much about these houses. Different smells. Who had a dog. Whose lawn was manicured and who didn’t really have a lawn.

2. I worked for several years at a fast food restaurant. This was a Jack-in-the-Box. Drive through only. However, it was on a major street in Dallas. I worked nights and often throughout the night. This was my first job in which I dealt with people — lots of them. This was often dirty work. I remember coming home at nights reeking of grease from the deep fryers.


3. After I graduated from high school, I worked at Manor Bakery one summer. This was the hardest job I ever had. (This was a huge bakery. Bread, rolls, buns that would be distributed to grocery stores and restaurants throughout north Texas.) My job was working next to a huge bun oven.   A larger conveyor belt would take hundreds of buns through this oven at one time. The buns would come out of the oven and huge suction cups would lift them out the pans and drop them onto another belt. I would then grab the pans that had just come out of the oven. It was a hot job in the Texas summer. I have memories of lots of burns that summer.


4. I worked for a couple of years for Hunt Oil Company in downtown Dallas. I worked on the 27th floor of the First National Bank Building, in the file room, shuffling files to this or that office. Occasionally I was sent to locate a file in the archives, which was four or five blocks away. I got there after morning classes and work the rest of the afternoon.   I worked with a middle-aged, single parent who lived in Oak Cliff. She had no car and was totally dependent on the bus to get her wherever she wanted to go.   She had two dresses. A blue and a red one, which she wore to work on alternate days.

5. For several years, I worked for United Parcel Service. Loading trucks. Unloading trucks. Driving and delivering.   This was a good job. I began working there my last two years of college. Again, I worked nights. I have a lot of memories of conversations with the managers. These were often people who had been sent to work in Dallas from places like New Jersey, Salt Lake City, and Denver. I begin to notice that some of these people had now been through divorces and affairs. For some, work seemed to be the center of their world. It wasn’t that they loved their jobs. Rather, it reflected seemed to be the absence of any other center.



No doubt you’ve had your own experiences. You’ve had jobs maybe similar or quite different from these. Looking back, however, I can see how God has used some of these experiences in my life to help me connect with a variety of people.   Yet, in some ways it doesn’t really matter whether or not I understand how these experiences have been useful. What matters is that I trust that God works through my history and through my present situation.

Questions

What about you? Is there any particular job you’ve had in the past for which you are especially thankful now?

These Five Habits Will Really Help You Enjoy Your Family More

July 26, 2011 in Family/Marriage with 2 Comments

Does your extended family have good habits for how they relate to each other?family1.png

Today, I am thinking about extended families as they relate to one another. These relationships include parents, children, in-laws, aunts, uncles and cousins. Of course, I don’t want to leave out my new role of grandparent. Regardless of our roles, we have to relate to one another if we are going to have relationship.

How do these people get along and experience the kind of family relationships that lead to joy instead of misunderstandings, resentments, and frustrations?


Families need to practice the habit of being dependable.

A part of being dependable is learning to be on time. Such a habit communicates that you respect another’s time. Some people are habitually late. This can become very frustrating to a family when meals, birthday parties, etc. are delayed because of the late relative. You can almost feel the frustration, especially when the late comers laugh about their lateness. Constant lateness often communicates a lack of respect for everyone else’s time.


Families need to practice the habit of returning what they borrow from one another.

You are at the store with your sister-in-law. She is about to go through the check out line when she turns to you and asks to borrow $20. Later, you express your frustration to your spouse that your sister-in-law never seems to have money with her at the store. Your spouse responds, “You can kiss that $20 good-bye! You will never see that money again.” You realize that he is right. She rarely repays money that she “borrows” and you feel somewhat resentful toward her for that.

Families should not have to chase down other family members in order to be reimbursed or to get their belongings back. Some people borrow the weed-eater and then fail to return it. Some borrow articles of clothing and don’t give them back. Some borrow dishes, tools, sports equipments, books, cd’s, etc. and for some reason don’t return them. This gets very frustrating and can create resentment in families.


Families need to practice the habit of simple courtesies.

Do you really need to keep answering your phone when you are at a family dinner with your parents, your siblings and nieces and nephews? Do you really need to text at the dinner table when your family is together? Do you really need to spend all of your time watching television when your children and grandchildren come to your house for the first time in four months?

Extended families might find that common courtesies such as saying, “please,” “thank you,” “I appreciate you for doing this,” will go a long way toward building a positive atmosphere when families are together.


Families need to practice the habit of taking no one for granted.

Far too often families have a way of taking one another for granted. For example, in some families, young parents assume that the grandparents should always be willing to babysit their young children. While other couples may have to find (and pay for) a babysitter, there are couples who expect their parents to be willing and available to keep their children. Of course these grandparents are often willing to do this, if for no other reason, than to spend time with their grandchildren. However, this gets very old when grandparents feel they are being taken for granted.

Likewise, some parents believe their adult children should always be available to do whatever they have planned. Perhaps these parents call one evening inviting their children over for dinner that weekend. Some adult children feel as if their parents expect them to be present or they will be upset.

There are some parents who assume that if they go out to eat, their adult children should pay for it. (After all, the kids are doing well financially while mom and dad may be on a fixed income.) Now that is fine if they have this agreement. The problem is in assuming this should happen each time they go to a restaurant. Likewise, there are adult children who seem to think that whenever mom or dad are present, they should pick up the check. These kinds of assumptions can create resentment and frustration over the years.

When families are together over Christmas, does everyone offer to help with expenses? Or do we assume that someone else is taking care of it? Think of the food that is consumed when families are together for several days during the Christmas season. Family members should look for opportunities to contribute and not just take for granted that someone else is paying for this.


Families need to practice the habit of being attentive to one another.

I believe that most families would say they want to be attentive to family members. It is the little things, however, that often leave us feeling as if we are not that valuable to one another. For example, when a person does not return the telephone calls of family members, this is very frustrating. Yet it is also disheartening when you see how quickly this same person returns the phone calls of their good friends. When we consistently fail to respond to e-mails, texts, phone calls, etc., we communicate something to our family. Often family members feel as if they are not valued.

In some families, the same person seems to take the initiative to communicate with the others. What does this say to our families when when make no effort to stay in touch, stay connected, or express care and interest in one another’s lives?  


Question:

What additional habit would you add to this list?


Being a Dad: 5 Ways to Move From Good to Great

June 18, 2011 in Family/Marriage, Relationships with 4 Comments

Father’s Day!father-and-son.jpg

I am blessed to have two daughters, Christine and Jamie. Christine is married to Phillip and they are the parents of a little boy, not quite one year old. Jamie will be married to Cal in August. We are very proud of each one of them. Our family continues to change as we soon will not have not only two daughter’s, but two son’s-in-law.

I am grateful to be a dad. This morning, the Wall Street Journal had an excellent article on the importance of a dad in a daughter’s life. Sometimes, dads underestimate their importance in a child’s life. I believe that a dad can move from being good to being great by focusing on the kind of man he is becoming.


I want to suggest five ways to move from being a good dad to becoming a great dad.


Be a Lover

A great dad deeply loves his wife and children. His children listen and see his interaction with his wife. They know he is exclusively devoted to her. In turn, his children also experience an incredible love from their dad. His faithful love for his wife and for his children creates a safe, secure environment for his family.


Be a Person of High Character

A great dad models solid character before his children. This dad doesn’t manipulate others for his own gain. He tells the truth, even when it may not be to his advantage financially. When in line for a ticket at the amusement park, this dad tells the truth about the age of his child, even though that ticket may him more money. This dad practices truth telling and honor in some might perceive to be the little things.


Be Loyal

A great dad models loyalty in his relationships. He can be trusted. His affection for his wife is exclusive. This dad is no flirt at work. His family doesn’t wonder about who he is texting or privately meeting on Facebook. No, this dad has honor and is loyal to his family. He will not throw his family under the bus while he pursues his fantasy with other women.


Be Present

A great dad is present with his children. That is more than showing up at their ball games. Children know their dad is present by his eye contact and his active listening. Unfortunately, too many dads will not give their children complete eye contact. The television is always on and dad has one eye on the screen. Or, he constantly checks his phone as the texts come in. A great dad will turn off the television, the gadgets, and the phone in order to be fully present with his children.

A dad also communicates his presence by really listening to his children. Intently listening to our children really does increase the sense of connection that they experience. Looking back, there were times when our girls were at home, that I should have spoken less and listened more.


Be a Jesus Follower

A great dad, who claims to be a Christian, really does intentionally follow Jesus in his life. That is, he lives with the intention of carrying out his teachings at work and at home. He models this lifestyle before his children. This is not about the perfection of his life but the direction of his walk. This dad desires for his children to see what it means to be an authentic Jesus follower.


Question:

What would you add to this list?

   

5 Ways to Communicate Value During Significant Moments

June 15, 2011 in Family/Marriage, Ministry, Relationships with 2 Comments

Last week was a busy time that included a funeral at our church on Friday and then a shower for our daughter the following day. In 24 hours, we went from grieving with our friends to a time of thankfulness and joy for our daughter and her fiance’. (They are getting married in August.)

This week reminded me once again about how much we contribute to one another during these significant moments of life. We have the opportunity to communicate to our friends how much they mean to us. During these moments, our behavior can speak volumes to other people about how important they really are to us.

value.jpg


The following are five ways we communicate value during significant moments.

Be emotionally engaged. In many, many ways we communicate value by showing interest and concern about another’s life. I have watched my mother-in-law for years communicate this through her interest in the details of her grandchildren’s lives. Other people communicate this by regular phone calls, e-mails, and texts with loved ones.


Show up. Go to funerals. Stop by a funeral home for a visitation. Go to a wedding or baby shower. Visit someone in the hospital. These moments really do matter. Quite often we don’t realize how much they do matter until we lose a father or mother. We may not realize the importance of a baby shower until it is our child who is having a baby.

For example, when a friend loses a family member, it means a great deal for them to see you at the funeral. Attend events that are important to a family member or friend. Going to funerals, weddings, graduations, baby showers, etc. are just a few examples of times when being present communicates value. So many people underestimate how important these moments are to the people involved.


Do something practical to communicate value. One of our daughters was in the hospital for a week during her high school years. I remember one friend who called me several times each day to check on her. The first day she was hospitalized, he knocked on her door. I stepped out into the hall and he said, “I want to pray with you.” He put his arm around my shoulders, bowed his head and prayed briefly in the hall. By what he did, he communicated value toward her and our family.


When the significant moment is difficult, acknowledge that person’s experience. Far too many people ignore or even minimize another’s significant moment. “You are having surgery? No big deal! Why I have a friend who had that same surgery and she was back at work two days later.” Far better to listen intently and ask questions to seek understanding.


Make an effort to stay in touch. If I don’t make the effort to stay in touch with someone, we will probably lose touch. Some complain because friends and family do not call. Meanwhile, they do not take the initiative to make contact either. Yes, it is frustrating to feel as if you are the one who must always take the initiative to stay in touch. Yet, I’ve learned that if we are going to stay in touch I often (sometimes usually) will need to be the one who takes the initiative.


Question:

What significant moments have you experienced, that caused you to notice and appreciate the presence of others?

6 Ways to Avoid an Affair

June 13, 2011 in Family/Marriage with 11 Comments

Have you ever known either of these families?bored_couple430x300.jpg


Family #1

For several years, Heather tried to communicate to her husband, Paul, that she wanted to feel special again in their relationship. Too often she felt taken for granted and lonely. Meanwhile, her husband seemed more focused on his career and the golf course. She wanted to renew their relationship. He seemed content.

One day, she was about to leave for work and Paul noticed that she looked particularly nice. Heather had lost weight, purchased new clothes, and lately seemed to enjoy going to work each day. That day, Paul noticed that her skirt seemed shorter than what she typically wore. She put on new perfume as well.

Little did Paul know that a guy at work had recently begun paying a lot of attention to her. Quiet frankly, Heather enjoys the attention. He gives her what she had wanted from Paul. He listens to her, not only to her words but the emotion behind them. He values her opinion about particular work projects. He has made a few comments about her appearance.

Lately, she has found herself thinking a lot about this man, even when she is not at work. This bothers Heather. It also makes her nervous that she feels more attractive than she has in years. Not long ago, she and this man began texting one another outside of work hours. She really doesn’t want Paul to know about these texts.


Family #2

Kevin’s job required much contact with top clientele and consequently demanded his best each day. This included being well dressed. His wife, Jennifer, was a stay-at-home mom, where she cared for their three children. He missed the companionship he once had with his wife. For awhile, he looked for opportunities for her to see more of his work life. He tried to arrange for lunch downtown and offered to get a sitter. Jennifer said it was too much trouble to drive downtown just for lunch. On another occasion, he wanted his wife to be with him at a reception for the new boss. She declined to go, saying she didn’t know anyone and would be bored. On occasions, Kevin tried to include her in settings where it was appropriate to invite a spouse. She seemed to have little interest in going. Finally, he stopped asking.

Kevin continued to advance in the company. He not only had the attention of the executive vice-president, but also had the attention of a particular woman who had been with the company for about five years. This woman was attracted to Kevin and began to subtly pursue him. She laughed at his jokes and complimented him regularly on his appearance. Recently, he learned he would be traveling to Miami with a small group for a two day seminar. This woman would be in the group. Yesterday, she suggested to Kevin that maybe the two of them could explore the city together one afternoon. He sensed that she did not intend to invite others. Kevin thought about it but chose not to tell Jennifer about the offer.

Each scenario could could easily become another woeful tale of secrets, deception, and moral failure.


The following are 6 ways to avoid an affair.


1. Pay attention to your spouse. If you do not pay attention, you may find there is someone nearby who will.

2. Don’t be naive. At some point, there may be someone who is not only interested in your spouse, but obsessed with him. That can also be true for yourself. Listen to your spouse if she begins to send warning signals about a particular person.

3. Be involved in your spouse’s life. Think hard before turning down invitations to join him for lunch during the workday, receptions, office visits, work conferences, etc. Allow the people at his office the opportunity to see you as a couple.

4. Some couples promise to tell one another if there is a person who is becoming a problem for them. That is good, but doesn’t go far enough. Quite often, men are being pursued and don’t have a clue. Sometimes you need to tell your spouse what you are seeing, feeling, and sensing regarding a particular person.

5. Think hard about the impact of flirting. Would you talk this way if your spouse was present? Would you give prolonged eye contact toward another person, if your spouse was in the room?

6. Get honest. Is there a particular guy who you are dressing for today? Do you want to look particularly nice today because you are attracted to one of your clients?   


Question:

What else would you add to this list that might help someone avoid this pitfall?

Marriage Ought to Be More Than the Fizz

June 7, 2011 in Family/Marriage with 6 Comments

This spring, Charlotte and I spent our Wednesday evenings with seven wonderful couples who have been married between five and ten years. We were very impressed with them. Each week, we came together to learn more about marriage, as well as what it means to be a parent. About half of our classes were spent interviewing couples who had been married for at least 20 years. Each one of these couples allowed us to ask questions about their own experiences with marriage and being a parentmarriage1.jpg

One reality that we tried to stress throughout this class:


Our behavior as married people cannot be disconnected from our relationship with
 Jesus.


There are people who pray, read their Bible, and never miss an assembly,
 yet they do not see a connection between these practices and how they treat their spouse.


Self-centeredness. “It’s all about me.” You know the attitude. If we are planning to go to a restaurant, there is one main issue. Is this a place I like?

Little consideration for their spouse’s feelings. Being thoughtless with words and actions.

Deception. Not being honest about where they are spending their money. Not being honest about whom they are talking to on Facebook. Not being honest about their thinking and feelings.

Rudeness. Speaking to a spouse in a way you would speak to no one else.



Here is a person who is “deeply 
spiritual” but ignores his wife. There is nothing spiritual about such behavior. In some cases there is a real disconnect. Some people do not even see that there is an inconsistency with this. Some people do not comprehend what it means to live as a Christ-follower so that the marriage/family are impacted.

There are some serious implications for a person who follows Jesus and is in a family. The question that I must grapple with is not, “Am I happy in this marriage/family?” Nor is it, “Are all my needs being met here?” The questions that I begin with are questions like:



• Are the ways and teachings of Jesus impacting how I function in this family?

• As a husband/wife, am I living in obedience to Jesus’ teachings? Am I being intentional about obeying his teachings?

• In what ways am I coming to know Christ or getting closer to Christ because of what is happening in my family?


Some of us view our marriages like a can of Coke. Put your hand around the can. If feels cold. You anticipate the taste. You know that when you pop the top you will hear the fizz. Finally, you open it. You hear the fizz and you enjoy the cold drink. You drink it all and look for a
 place to throw the can away. One day, you see another can of coke. You are so thirsty. Again, this can is cold. You pop the top and hear the fizz.

Is that what marriage was meant to be? Are we to be a people who just look for the next cold can that promises some fizz? Or do we know that marriage is more than fizz. Fizz is nice. Yet, marriage is much more than fizz.

All around us are people who flaunt the possibility of fizz. Again and again, men and women are seduced by this possibility. It could be that a woman is attracted to this possibility because she is being ignored and neglected by her husband. It could be that a man is attracted to another woman because he attracted to the possibility of fizz.

Marriage is more than what I can get out of it in any given moment.

People who are maturing in Christ learn that fizz is only a foretaste of real joy. There is a real joy that can be experienced in marriage that is born after years of loving one another in the ordinary moments of life. Raising children. Struggling through difficult times. Looking out for one another through fun times and not so fun times.


Question:

In what ways do we sometimes allow marriage to become disconnected from our relationship with Jesus?

Marriage 101 (Where Do You Learn How to Be Married?)

February 21, 2011 in Family/Marriage, Relationships with 3 Comments

Marriage can be difficult, in particular, when you have never seen a healthy marriage up close.marriage.jpg

Yet, this is the situation in which many young married couples find themselves. The couple, through no fault of their own, never had the opportunity to witness up close a healthy, godly marriage. I am referring to a marriage where two people love each other, and this is reflected in their attitude and behavior.

Ideally, a person witnesses such a marriage from a front row seat in their own family of origin. She sees their love for one another and observes how they function as a couple. Perhaps she even sees how they deal with each other’s mistakes. They may witness both hurt and forgiveness. Yet, many people do not grow up in such a home.

So where else can a person learn to be married?

  • You can learn about marriage by observing married people who seem to be doing something well. These married people may be one’s grandparents, a brother, or a neighbor. Be a student of good marriages.
  • Be a part of a community of faith which puts great value on the quality of marriages. Look for couples who seem to invest in their marriage. What are they doing right?
  • Seek the counsel of an older couple who is experiencing a good marriage. Ask that couple for permission to ask questions about their marriage and the positive disciplines or habits that have contributed to their marriage.
  • Read books written about marriage from a Christian perspective. Consider purchasing books by Gary Thomas, Gary Roseberg, or others who write regarding marriage.
  • Spend time carefully listening to the words of Jesus in the Bible. Pay attention to what he says regarding kingdom relationships. Read the letters to various churches in the New Testament. These writers will often address some aspect of relational behavior for Christ-followers.   


I often tell couples before they marry that marriage will probably be better than they ever dreamed and more difficult than they ever imagined.


Many people never had the opportunity to witness a healthy marriage up close. Even people who grew up in churches sometimes never had the opportunity to witness a healthy, godly marriage. Yet, it is possible to become a life-long learner, a student of marriage, and by the grace of God become a part of creating a marriage that will bless generations.


Question:

Who taught you most about marriage?


Marriage 101 (What if You Marry a Friend?)

February 14, 2011 in Family/Marriage with 4 Comments

Today, I begin a series of reflections on marriage. On Wednesday evenings, Charlotte and I are meeting with seven couples in a conversation about marriage that will last several months. Preparing for this weekly conversation has given me the opportunity to reflect on marriage in general, and our own marriage in particular.marriage2.jpg

Lately, I’ve been thinking about the importance of friendship within marriage.

Hopefully, you married a friend. If you are not married, but plan to be married, ideally you will choose to marry a friend. This is critical if you wish to have a lasting marriage and experience joy along the way.


Marry someone who is first your friend.


Marrying your friend suggests that you enjoy this person, you trust one another, and you value one another. Hopefully, you enjoy this person through conversation, the routines of life, and simply being together. Physical attraction, sexual intimacy, and transparency can actually increase with time when we experience a growing marital friendship where thoughtfulness and selflessness are regularly expressed.


Continue to value your spouse as your friend.  


Many people will marry a friend and then allow their friendship to die. Something is wrong when I treat my wife as I would treat no other friend. Think for a moment about normal, everyday friendships. If a friend is constantly rude, disloyal, undependable, and self-centered, you might wonder after awhile if you really have a friendship with this person. In fact, you may decide you would rather invest your time with other friends.

Many marriages end because husbands and wives stop behaving like friends.

Marriages would be helped by husbands and wives renewing their friendship with each another. This would mean eliminating behaviors that should be not be a part of any loving friendship. This also means being intentional about behaving in ways that rebuild and give energy to their friendship.


Remember that appropriate space is necessary in friendship.


Space is necessary in friendship and marriage. Appropriate space gives a man and woman the freedom to love each another within their marriage. Some people want too much space and it becomes very difficult for them to remain emotionally connected with their spouses. It is possible for a man and woman to be independent selves with little in common other than sharing the same bed at night. No real friendship. No emotional connection. He does his thing. She does her thing.

On the other hand, some couples give one another almost no space. They might feel as if they must do everything together. He or she might insist that they have the same opinions on most everything. Years ago, I asked a woman a question regarding our congregation. Her answer was, “Why don’t you ask my husband? He does our thinking.” (What?)

When there is no space, a husband or wife may feel personally threatened if their spouse expresses a different preference or idea.

Yet, in a healthy friendship or marriage, the individuals have space to think, feel, and act as persons. Yet, they daily lean toward one another, wanting to stay connected, and only doing what will bring health and life to their relationship.


Question:

What are some other ways that friendship with one’s spouse bless and enhance the marriage?


  

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