Many people want to be liked. There is no shortage of people who would like to be popular. Yet, it is much more important to live in such a way as to gain the respect of others.

Respect is not something that you acquire by going after it or trying to achieve it. Rather, respect comes when your life begins to reflect particular qualities. The following are ten behaviors that will often lead a person to the place where he/she is respected by others.

1. Listen. Really listen to what others say. Seek to understand what others are thinking and feeling. Attempt to put yourself in their place.

2. Show others respect, particularly those who are wiser and ahead of you on the journey.

3. Be a learner. I once knew a young mother who told her minister that she wasn’t interested in the new class at church for young parents. Why? She had recently read a particular book and would not be making the same mistakes with her children that others in the church had made. Hmm. There are no shortcuts to learning. We all have a lot to learn.

4. Be gracious. The way to respect is not through being sharp tongued and smart aleck. Rather, be gracious to people. Some years ago, I overheard author Max Lucado in a conversation with a very fine scholar. They were meeting one another for the first time. The scholar asked Lucado what he did for a living. (Max Lucado was already a best selling Christian author.) Lucado graciously responded by saying that he was an author and wrote books for ordinary Christians. The man then asked him to name the titles of a few of his books. Lucado responded by naming a few titles. He did not seem frustrated that the man did not know that he was a best selling Christian author. After overhearing that conversation, I came away with a whole new respect for Max Lucado.

5. Engage in wise, godly behavior whether anyone is looking or not. How tragic that someone would walk with Jesus for decades and then throw away their credibility by engaging in immorality.

6. Go beyond what is expected. Some people are forever taking short cuts. They do the bare minimum. Go beyond the minimum. Do what is expected and then some.

7. Do the right thing, even when it is very hard. Start with the seemingly insignificant decisions. One good decision will build on another.

8. Guard your mouth. How sad when a person opens his mouth and as a result destroys the respect that others previously had for him.

9. Be genuine. Don’t act one way in a meeting and then talk about the group members behind their back in a private conversation on the parking lot.

10. Demonstrate that you are worthy of another’s trust. Pay your debts, no matter how small. Keep your word. Do what you say you will do. You will gain the respect of others when they learn they can count on you.

Question:

What are other behaviors that tend to eventually create respect?

I need to laugh! Do you?

I grew up watching re-runs of “I Love Lucy”. Some of my earliest memories include evenings when I sat in front of our television watching this show. I laughed and laughed. I could turn this post into a list of the comedians and actors who I have enjoyed because they were funny.

I have a friend named, Mike, who is an exceptional storyteller. I can think of numerous lunches and dinners when I laughed and laughed at one of Mike’s stories. Mike not only is a great storyteller but he seems to genuinely enjoy telling these stories.

Some people seem to think that it is more spiritual to be grim faced, stoic, and deadly serious at all times. Yet, Jesus spoke about some people who would strain a gnat out of their soup while a camel had its hoof in their soup (Mt. 23:24). I can see Jesus grin as he used that image. He spoke of attempting to get a speck out of someone’s eye while having a beam rammed into your own eye socket (Mt. 7:3-5). This is a funny image.

Yes, I know that much of life is anything but humorous. There is so much pain and heartache in the world. Quite often, we have a front row seat as we watch our loved ones experience the pain of some kind of brokenness. With such people, we weep and mourn expressing our love to them.

On the other hand, I want to relish moments that invite laughter and joy. There is nothing spiritual about being dour, highly sensitive and easily offended.

So here is a suggestions: Learn to laugh at yourself.

We all make funny mistakes. We do things that are silly. Sometimes, we may be absentminded and do something ridiculous. Again, and again I do these things. Why not laugh at yourself? Genuine self-depricating humor will only endear others to you.

I love this story that my friend tells about a moment in a funeral home that he would probably like to do again. An older man in his congregation had recently died. He was a farmer, who had been married for many years. He was a simple man. He never wore a suit to church or a coat and tie of any kind. He simply wore his overalls.

On the night of the visitation at the funeral home, my friend went to express his support and care to the widow. My friend and this couple had been good friends for many years. At the funeral home, people were coming and going as they hugged the man’s wife and expressed their love.

My friend stepped into the visitation room and together with the widow, walked over to the casket. My friend looked at the old gentleman, dressed in a suit and tie. He then remarked to the widow, “You know, he wouldn’t have been caught dead in a suit.” My friend said that moments after those words left his mouth, it dawned on him what he had just said. For a moment, he froze, cringing with embarrassment. Finally, he looked up only to catch the eyes of this woman. She laughed and laughed! (Much to his relief!) He then laughed with her. Whew!

My friend told this story on himself. We laughed as he told it.

Question:

What does laughter do for you as a person? What happens to you when you are only rarely laughing?

In the introduction to his book Building Below the Waterline, Gordon MacDonald tells the following story about the construction of the Brooklyn Bridge.

David McCullough’s book The Great Bridge tells a fascinating story about the building of the Brooklyn Bridge, which arches the East River and joins Manhattan to Brooklyn.

In June 1872, the chief engineer of the project wrote: “To such of the general public as might imagine that no work had been done on the New York tower, because they see no evidence of it above the water, I should simply remark that the amount of the masonry and concrete laid on that foundation, under water, is equal to the entire masonry of the Brooklyn tower visible today above the waterline.”

The Brooklyn Bridge remains a major transportation artery in New York City today because 135 years ago the chief engineer and his construction team did their most patient and daring work where no one could see it: on the foundations of the towers below the waterline. It is one more illustration of an ageless principle in leadership: the work done below the waterline (in a leader’s soul) that determines whether he or she will stand the test of time and challenge.

Far Too Many People Pay No Attention to What is Beneath

Far too many families come apart.

Far too many men and women become angry and cynical and live this way for the rest of their lives.

Far too many church leaders crash and burn due to some poor, sinful decision.

Far too many people are not prepared for some of the difficult challenges they eventually face.

Pay Attention to the Soul

I have learned just how much I must pay attention to what is “beneath” in my own life. Everything on the surface clamors for my attention. Appointments. Sermons. Meetings. Projects. Finances. Yet, the best thing I have to offer others, whether it be my wife, my children, my church, or my friends, is a man who pays attention to his soul.

Question

What have you experienced in your life when you are taking care of your soul? What have you experienced when you neglect what is “beneath”?

A young man came into the conference just as it was beginning.

He made his way to an empty chair on the back row. A person seated to his left was a part of the institution hosting the event. My friend whispered “hello” and smiled at the man. The man did not return the smile. Instead, he mumbled something and then got up from his chair and sat in another chair in another part of the room.

My friend was baffled. This particular conference is held every year to encourage those who work with congregations. They invest a lot of money in this event. They work hard and diligently to make sure that everything is just right for those who are coming to their campus.

Yet, what one man came away remembering from his first evening at the event is that a man representing the institution left his chair and sat elsewhere.

We may forget at times just how weary many people are. A simple smile and hello goes a long way.

I am not sure what creates weariness. I do know what contributes to it. Life (and everyday ministry) often contributes to much of our weariness:

• Weariness can come when you feel taken for granted and unappreciated at home or at work.
• Weariness can come from being present during the long slow death of someone in your family or church.
• Weariness can come when you regularly deal with a manipulator or immature person.
• Weariness can come when you have been praying that a friend from work would visit your church and then no one speaks to her on the morning she comes.
• Weariness can come from disappointment in your marriage, with your children, or perhaps with life in general.

Are you weary?

If you are weary, don’t wait for circumstances to change. Don’t simply wish that your life was different. Don’t spend your energy saying “If only.” Instead, decide to take action. Decide that you will do something to add strength and energy back into your life again.

One of the best antidotes to weariness is to begin by taking the first step toward replenishment. That has to be done on purpose. Yes, it is hard when you are weary. However, taking a first step toward replenishment sure beats passivity.

Many people deal with their troubles and distress by medicating their pain. They do whatever seems to work (even if it may be temporary) in order to ease or numb the pain.

Maybe you can identify with some of these situations.

• Perhaps you are in chronic physical pain. Every day your body hurts.
• You ache with loneliness. You don’t want to sin but lately you have been preoccupied with whatever might numb the pain.
• Your job isn’t working out. Your finances are a mess. You owe so much money due to credit card debt. You feel like a failure. You would do anything to be able to forget this mess for a little while.
• You long for a life that is more than what you’ve experienced. Yet, it seems to be out of reach. Lately, you’ve longed for a few moments of pleasure.
• You have been betrayed by a friend. Now you have become very guarded, refusing to trust anyone. In your isolation, you’ve experienced intense temptation.

Recently, I read the following in Peter Scazzero’s book Daily Office, p. 94, regarding our tendency to medicate our pain.

“The capacity to grieve in our culture is almost lost. People use work, TV, drugs, alcohol, shopping or food binges, busyness, sexual escapades, unhealthy relational attachments, even serving others at church incessantly — anything to medicate the pain of life. Year after year we deny and avoid the difficulties and losses of life, the rejections and frustrations. When a loss enters our life, we become angry at God and treat it as an alien invasion from outer space.”

“This is unbiblical and a denial of our common humanity. The ancient Hebrews physically expressed their laments by tearing their clothes and utilizing sackcloth and ashes. Jesus himself offered up prayer and petitions with loud cries and tears. During Noah’s generation, Scripture indicates God was grieved about the state of humanity (Genesis 6). Jeremiah wrote six confessions or laments in which he protested to God about his circumstances. After the fall of Jerusalem, he wrote an entire book called Lamentations.”

“In Scripture, the God-like response is neither a spin nor cover-up. The model and teaching is for us to deal honestly and prayerfully with our losses and disappointments (big and small) and all their accompanying confusing emotions.“ (The Daily Office, p. 94)

Question:

In what ways are some of us tempted to medicate our pain (ways that are not mentioned in this post)? What have you observed?