Looking for thoughtful resources?start (1).png

Rowan Williams (Archbishop of Canterbury) and Richard Dawkins – “The Nature of Human Beings and the Question of their Ultimate Origin.” This was a dialogue event which took place in the Sheldonian Theater, Oxford University, on February 23, 2012. You can read more about this here and watch the video here.

John Ortberg interviews Dallas Willard – This interview took place at the Catalyst 2010. You can view the videos here.

Mickey Goodman – “Are We Raising a Generation of Helpless Kids?

Wade Hodges – “Spiritual Fitness in 100 Words.”

Daniel Kirk – “The Wisdom of Stability.”


Dealing with ministry issues?

Ron Edmondson – “The Loneliness of a Pastor.”

Ed Cyzewski – “The Dark Side of Pastors: Getting to the Root of Pastoral Affairs” Also see “Why Pastors Fall Into Affairs.”


Work Practices

Amy Gallo – “Stop E-Mail Overload” (Harvard Business Review).

Michael Hyatt – “7 Steps to Launching Your Next Project.”


Finally

You might enjoy reading the recent post “Keep Your Marriage Out of the Ditch” You might find it helpful to subscribe to the RSS feed on this blog. (I realized after several months, that the RSS symbol was actually linked to an e-mail subscription option but it has now been fixed. You can get to the feed here. If you would like to subscribe by mail you can do so here.

Some people are married for a few years and then they get stuck in the ditch.car-in-ditch-in-snow.jpg

I want to reflect on this page about marriage and how to keep it out of the ditch.

As I write this particular post, I am thinking about couples in their 20s. Perhaps you’ve been married for a few years. You may even have a small child or two (but not necessarily).

So you’ve been married for several years. Perhaps you both have jobs. Yes, the economy is a real issue but so far you’ve been able to do much that you’ve wanted to do. If you went to college, you’ve probably been out for several years. Now you have jobs. You are paying off school loans. You have responsibilities.

You are married.

Let me suggest a few problems that sometimes surface in marriage during the early years.

1. Am I still cool? You may be out of college and paying a mortgage. Yet, you may still want to prove that you have what it takes. For some women/men, this impacts the way they dress and the way they relate to the opposite sex. Far too often married men and women flirt with others at work to prove to themselves that they still have it. This may include suggestive and risque texting and FB messaging. This is a very dangerous game to play.

2. Why do we have so many arguments? Some married couples seem to fuss with one another a lot. You may find this to be familiar ground. Part of this frustration is that often a couple feels as if they are getting nowhere in these arguments. Some explode while others withdraw. Some argue with insults and put-downs. Unfortunately, some couples do a poor job of forgiving one another.

3. Why doesn’t he grow up? A woman once told me that she had four boys. She had three sons and was married to another boy. She was frustrated that he wouldn’t grow up. No, this is not limited to men. (There are certainly young women who refuse to grow up as well.) Picture a young mother with three children. It is Saturday. She is trying to clean the house and prepare lunch. Her husband is sitting in his recliner with the television blaring. He gets upset because one of the kids is screaming during his game. To her, this relationship feels lopsided. These are our children. This is our house that needs cleaning. He mutters something about this being just the way he is.

4. I didn’t know it was going to be like this. He had expectations. You had expectations. “Wow, this is not what I expected.” Many Christian women have said, “I thought he was a spiritual person. He talked a lot about his faith when we were dating. Now I have to practically drag him to church. Why can’t he be more like other husbands who seem to be such godly men?”

How do you adjust your expectations? Where did your expectations come from? Do you just shrug your shoulders and give up? Or, do you dig in your heels, determined to get your way.

5. We are stuck. Some couples are stuck. She may say at one point, “We really need to see a counselor to talk about our marriage.” His response may be, “I don’t have a problem. I’m doing just fine. If you have a problem, you go to counseling.” Later, as she finally disengages emotionally from her husband, he is alarmed and wants to get help. She has no interest at this point.

Some couples get stuck but they do very little that is constructive to help them get unstuck. Many couples are more concerned about their image than their reality. Consequently, they attempt to communicate to their friends and others that they are doing very well, even though their marriage is coming unraveled. To complicate matters even further, some men and women will not read or do anything intentional to learn, grow, and develop.

       

Question:

Which one of the five issues mentioned do you most relate to from your own experience?


When You Feel Spiritually Dry

February 22, 2012 — 5 Comments

Are there times when these two words describe you?DryCreekbed.jpg

Spiritually dry.

I suspect that most of us experience this at various times.

There is a creek that runs along the edge of our property line. Much of the time, there is water in this creek. However, during the hot Texas summer, the creek will often dry up. In fact, it will be so dry that the creek bed cracks due to the lack of rain and intense heat of the blazing sun.

There may be times when your soul feels parched and depleted.

There are often a number of factors that may be at work to create this sense of dryness. In addressing this, however, it is important to begin with your own heart.

Remember the story of Samson (Judges 16)? Part of his vow to God was not to cut his hair. However, the Philistine woman, Delilah, wore him down and he finally told her the secret of his strength. In the middle of the night when he was asleep, she cut his hair. As a result, he lost his strength. He ignored his covenant with God (symbolized by the vow he made regarding his hair) and lost his strength.

Whenever I experience a period of dryness, I need to ask at some point, “Have I ignored my covenant with God?” Of course, this is not always true. However, maybe one place to begin is with my own repentance. Unfortunately, this is the last possibility some people consider.

Darryl Tippens, in his fine book Pilgrim Heart, writes:

Our inability to confess our obvious and hidden failures greatly damages our spiritual lives and our credibility. Our witness rings hollow. Our carefully packaged faith that hides faults haunts us and angers others. When things go awry, as they will, it becomes second nature to blame others rather than take responsibility. Thus, Christians can reside in communities where the truth is rarely spoken and where disappointment, bitterness, cynicism, and anger simmer for years. Finally the day comes when the frustration explodes. Nearly everyone is surprised at the intensity of the blow-up. What happened and why?

Often the explosion is the inevitable consequence of Christians not telling the truth of their lives – hurts over their troubled marriages, the disappointment with parents and children, their sadness and anger over harsh and unfair words spoken at church, the chronic pain of a dysfunctional relationship at work. Mark it down. A Christian who is not confessional is in peril – a danger to himself and to the community (p. 100).

Perhaps during a season of dryness, when my heart feels parched and cracked, I ought to consider the possibility of my need for confession and repentance. Maybe, like Samson, I have not been attentive to the covenant relationship I have with God. Perhaps I have allowed myself to become worn down by the nagging temptations of the evil one.

Sometimes, confessing my sin and neglect may be the first step toward freshness and life again.


Question:

What have you found helpful during periods of dryness?

Regarding my blogstart.jpg

You might find my RSS feed helpful if you use Google Reader or some other similar tool. If you prefer to subscribe by e-mail, you can do so here. I recently rewrote my “about” page. You can find it here.


Need Energy?

Michael Hyatt – “3 Actions You Can Take Now to Shift Your Emotional State” (Some very practical suggestions.)


Looking for thoughtful resources?

Ben Witherington – “E. Stanley Jones Devotional Resource

Peter Scazzero – “Gordon MacDonald – Wisdom After 50 Years of Godly Leadership

Steve Baker – “Life Rules . . . Past and Present” (Edward Benson’s rules of life as cited in J. Oswald Sanders’ book, Spiritual Leadership.)

Darryl Dash – “A Minister May Draw the Bow But God Will Direct the Arrow” (A great quote from Charles Simeon.)


Focusing on writing?

Read Jeff Goins. He is a very good writer and student of writing. I gain much from his blog and am a regular reader.


Odds and Ends

Ed Stetzer did a recent Twitter poll in which he asked this question: “What book have you recently read that made an impact on you and why?” You might find the results interesting. You can find them here.

Ministry Inside.70

February 16, 2012 — 2 Comments

Most Thursdays I write a post especially for church leaders. If you are a pastor, preacher, elder, or simply engaged in some kind of ministry in your congregation, you may find this helpful.

1. You might enjoy Gordon MacDonald’s presentations from Bethel University. MacDonald is the author of a number of books and has been in ministry for years. He is the chancellor of Denver Seminary. Two of his recent presentations can be found here (number 2 and 3) in iTunes. These presentations are in the series “Improving Your Impact.” He is particularly useful to me in providing pastoral wisdom.
2. Are you familiar with Day1.org? This is primarily a preaching site-some good interviews, podcasts, etc. I first became aware of this site through some excellent interviews that I heard.coffee38.jpg

3. One of the most difficult moments for a minister is conducting the funeral of a child or young person. These are some of the most difficult funerals that I preach. It is also difficult to grieve with the family during this time, and later. Mike Cope has written a very fine series on his blog entitled “When a Child Dies.” This series is very valuable for anyone who wants to have a better feel for what families go through during these horrific times. You can read the first post here.

4. You might want to read the recent post I wrote: “Church Leaders Can Become Depressed? Some people might be amazed that many church leaders (in a variety of roles) may struggle with depression. I do not believe that we say enough about this. You might find this helpful.

  

What is it like to be someone else in your church?people3.jpg

I’m convinced that some people never wonder. These are the people who sometimes make awkward statements to others. These are the people who sometimes sound smug as they talk about people who have various problems. They seem to have no appreciation for how tough life has become for some people.

My friend sat in an assembly one Sunday morning. The minister began his sermon by referring to his “extraordinarily difficult week.” Then he explained that he had a fender-bender in a car last week. He went on to talk about trials and tribulations that people face.

Meanwhile, my friend listened, amazed that he would talk about a fender-bender using language like “trial and tribulation.” After all, for the last several months, my friend had spent his days sitting beside his wife’s hospital bed while she was dying of cancer. That morning, he left her bedside to be a part of this assembly. My friend decided this preacher really had no idea what it was like to sit beside the bed of a loved one and watch her die.

John Killinger, in one of his books, suggested that ministers need to realize that people in churches find themselves in a variety of circumstances on any given Sunday morning. He suggested an exercise in which a minister reflects on some of these situations. (Actually, this exercise would probably be useful for anyone.)

What would it be like to:

  • Have just experienced divorce?
  • Have an adult child in jail?

  • Be living on government assistance?


  • Be a new parent for the first time?


  • Have just learned you have cancer?


  • Know you are having major surgery tomorrow?


  • Be told by your wife, “I’m moving out. I’ve found someone else I love.”

  • Be told by your employer, “We won’t be needing you anymore.”

  • Live alone for many years?


  • Live in an abusive home?


  • Be single?


  • Want children and yet be unable to have children?


  • Face a move to a new community in a state where you’ve never been?


  • Experience severe depression?


  • Realize you are in serious trouble financially?


  • Grieve over your mother’s death?


  • Feel old and useless?

  • Care for aged parents while you try to be attentive to your children and grandchildren?

What thoughts, feelings, experiences, names, situations, places, etc. come to mind? There are times when I ask myself as I prepare to teach or preach, “How would a person in one of these situations hear this message?”  

Far too often, we see life only from our point of view.

Perhaps there are some people whom I will never totally be able to identify with. However, I can try. I can at least ask the questions. I can consider what it might be like to be another.   


Question:

What can church leaders do that might help them better understand the experiences of the people they interact with?

In her book A Practical Guide to Prayer, Dorothy Haskin tells about a noted concert violinist who was asked about how she mastered this instrument. The violinist answered the question with these two words:

“Planned neglect.”

Then she explained.  

There were many things that used to demand my time. When I went to my room after breakfast, I made my bed, straightened the room, dusted, and did whatever seemed necessary. When I finished my work, I turned to my violin practice. That system prevented me from accomplishing what I should on the violin. So I reversed things. I deliberately planned to neglect everything else until my practice period was complete. And that program of planned neglect is the secret of my success.

Today, what do I need to neglect for something more important?

Yesterday when I got to the office, I immediately began to work on a project that is very important to me in my ministry. Unfortunately this is also something that I put off for two weeks. Oh, it was on my to do list. In fact, I had it prioritized. However, each day I pushed it back to the end of the day until I had taken care of other matters that were on my list.

The other day I realized that I still had made no progress on this project after intending to take care of it two weeks ago. I needed to practice planned neglect.

What do you need to neglect until you get an important project or task done?

Maybe you need to practice planned neglect.

Do any of the following statements connect with you?

  • What if I planned to neglect reading the news until I have read my Bible?
  • What if I planned to neglect checking my e-mail so often? Do I really need to check this several times each hour?
  • What if I planned to neglect texting so often so I could spend more time with my eyes looking at people instead of the screen?
  • What if I planned to neglect turning on the television so that we could enjoy being a family without constant noise?
  • What if I planned to neglect Facebook until I have first looked into the faces of my spouse and children?
  • What if I planned to neglect sitting in my recliner until I have first exercised my body?

Today, what do you need to neglect, so that you can do what is really important?

Ministry Inside.69

February 10, 2012 — 2 Comments

1. coffee1.jpg Invest the good will that is given to you by the congregation. Don’t waste it. Another way of saying this is, “You only have so much good will to spend in a church. Don’t waste it.” Not everything is worth an argument or a fight. I have known a few ministers who just wear their congregations out with their willfulness. They seem to insist on their way about most everything. Consequently they have difficulty letting anything go that is not in line with what they want.

The truth is that most ministers are given some good will by their congregations. Why spend this on matters that are inconsequential? Far better to use this good will on issues and concerns that really do count for something. Why go toe-to-toe with someone over the kind of carpet to put down in the classroom areas? It could be that it will cost you more than it is worth. It is better to reserve such discussions for matters that relate to kingdom issues and what is important to God.

Some ministers waste their good will through ill-timed or unwise humor. Suppose you move to a congregation that includes a sizable fan base of the university that is a couple of hours away. So within a few weeks, you announce that you are a fan of one of their biggest rivals. You talk up your team (taking advantage of your public position to do so). Now, within a matter of weeks, you have communicated to this church that you don’t like the school they root for and you don’t mind rubbing it in regarding one of their biggest rivals. That minister might want to think about how he might be spending some of his good will. Is this really smart?

It might be wiser to look for ways to affirm the lifestyles of this church family, instead of immediately announcing that you are different. Is this a big deal? Probably not in the larger scheme of things. However, you may be unnecessarily irritating. So, the next time you mess up or mishandle something, they might not have very much good will to offer you because you have already needlessly spent what you have been given.

2. Consider your behavior. She came up to me after church a few weeks ago. She and her husband are outgoing, friendly people who are quick to engage most anyone. They have two small children. She and her family moved into a new house a few months ago. She would like to meet her next-door neighbor, the pastor of a large church in the area. That morning she asked me “Do you know the guy who is the pastor of the (blank) Church?” I told her that I did not. I had shaken hands with him once, some years ago, but I couldn’t say I knew him.

She said, “I can’t get him to talk with me. I just want to meet him and his family. Friends of ours who go to his church say that he seems to be a nice guy.” (These are friends, however, who primarily perceive this through his sermons. They don’t actually know him.) She went on to tell me of several more times when they attempted to get his attention by waving as he backed down the drive. “He acts like he has no interest in getting to know us.”

I wonder why ministers sometimes do this? Often, we work very hard to get a particular ministry in place. We may be very intentional about wanting our congregations to be friendly toward guests. Then, in the ordinary moments of life, we don’t practice the behavior we encourage others to practice.

I was glad she told me this story. It reminded me to look at myself.

despair2.jpg


I felt like I was in a deep black hole. I could look up and tell that I was in a pit but had no earthly idea how to get out.

Over 20 years ago, a friend of mine called from another state. He had a weekly subscription to receive audio copies of the Sunday morning messages from our church. He was straightforward and to the point.

“What’s wrong with you? In some of your recent messages, you sound hesitant and unsure.”  

That was jarring to hear but it actually helped. It jarred me enough to realize that this sense of hopelessness and the numbness were impacting my life. (This had gone on for a number of months before I realized it.)

Charlotte and I visited with a friend of ours, a physician, about this. Our friend suggested that I was experiencing some depression. She wanted me to see a counselor, but I might not have done so without her encouragement because I wasn’t motivated to do anything (part of depression). I saw a Christian counselor for six months and took an anti-depressant during that time. Seeing this counselor every other week was a life-changing experience. Nothing happened overnight, but months later Charlotte and I could definitely tell that things were better. I was handling the stress that I was experiencing in my ministry much better.

Much of this was related to my work: ministry. I worked in a tough situation and the church was experiencing severe conflict. Those were lonely and extraordinarily difficult years. By no means am I unique for experiencing a form of depression.   

Many people deal with some form of depression. For some people, it might be fairly mild (no less frustrating) and related to difficult circumstances in life. On the other end of the chart are people who suffer with severe and even clinical depression. Some have a long family history of depression. They can name various persons in their family who have struggled with this. It may be business people, young mothers, college students or older people. Both new believers and longtime Christians may find themselves dealing with this.

Some of the conversations may go like this:

“He has been having a tough time. Things at work have not been going well. And, he’s dealing with some depression.”
“I keep the curtains closed most of the time. Some days I don’t want to get out of bed. I know I’m dealing with some depression.”
“My wife has been trying to get me to see the doctor. She thinks I may be dealing with some depression.”
“How long does it take for this medicine to make a difference? The doctor said it might help with my depression.”

A few observations:

1. Being trite or flippant about someone’s depression doesn’t help them get through it. “He just needs to ‘man up’ and get on with his life.” Not sure how helpful that is.

2. Seek a counselor you can connect with and have confidence in. (The counselor I mentioned earlier was the second person I saw. I just didn’t click with the first person.)

3. Depression is not shameful. To struggle with some form of depression doesn’t mean that you have a weak faith or that you don’t depend on God. Remember that self-condemnation may actually be the depression playing itself out.

4. When dealing with situational depression, don’t depend on any one approach to help you get better. In other words, be open to whatever might help. Medication might help. Exercise might help. Working on your thinking might help. There is no silver bullet. Be open to whatever might contribute to getting better.

5. Pray. If you have difficulty praying, ask family members and friends to intercede for you daily regarding your life.   

Question:

What would you say to a church that desires to be helpful to people wrestling with some form of depression?

Finally, I received the call. work-in-progress.jpg

I was in my last semester of seminary and was hoping that we would soon have the opportunity to begin a ministry with a congregation. After some anxious moments, a congregation finally called and asked me to come work as its preacher.

The voice on the other end of the line said, “Jim, we would like to invite you to come work with our congregation. We really believe that you and Charlotte are just right for us. We do have one question.” His tone was serious. I wondered what this question might be.

“Jim, how little would it take to get you here? We don’t have much money.”

Now that was awkward!

“How little would it take to get you here?”

The truth is that some of the most significant work is done by people who will never be adequately compensated financially. Some of this work is done by social workers, public school teachers, and ministers of small churches. Yet far too often, we assume that people who are highly paid are more significant than others and worthy of special attention.

Some of the most valuable work is done by people who are making a real difference in people’s lives and yet paid very little. In the last week, I have talked with the following people who are making such a difference.

*A public school teacher - We have many school teachers in my family. Charlotte has taught school for over 25 years. My mother-in-law, grandmother, and an aunt taught school. School teachers are in a position to make a lasting difference in the lives of children. So many of us can look back and remember teachers whose role were critical in our lives.

*A social worker – These people often do difficult, intense work with families in dire situations. These people are often very significant in the lives of the poor and forgotten.

*A minister of a small congregation – These ministers often find themselves overwhelmed by the needs and opportunities of pastoral ministry. After all, there is no church staff to help with members needs. Very often (though not always), those who minister to these churches are young and inexperienced. This alone makes the situation even more challenging. These ministers are sometimes forced to find a part-time job to supplement their income.

Of course there are many other occupations in which people work hard and make a real difference but are paid very little.

If you work in such settings, you may find yourself feeling wistful when you hear that your college friend has been promoted and is now making over $120,000 per year. It’s not that you wish she were not succeeding at her job; rather, it may remind you about how much you feel devalued or taken for granted in your own job. Far too often, teachers, social workers, ministers and others do not feel valued in their work.

You may find the following suggestions to be helpful:

Work like it matters. Do this whether anyone else recognizes the worth of your work. Your work has intrinsic value. When you do something that in some way reflects God’s goodness or his character, you are a part of an incredibly valuable work.

Forget the ladder. Making a difference usually has more to do with what you’ve done on the ground than your position up the ladder. The value of your work is not determined by how high up the ladder you’ve climbed. When you are tempted to think about that ladder, know that your work matters in ways that may never be recognized or appreciated. (Ministers will sometimes play one-up-manship games based on church size, salary, perceived importance, etc.)

Be intentional about investing. Invest your time, energy, and mind in what matters. Does your work promote kingdom values? Does your work bless people? Does your work help someone move toward God? God can use our work to expand the kingdom.

Question:

How do you stay motivated in your work during seasons when you feel taken for granted or devalued?