People are in a variety of places in marriage.
1. Some describe themselves as “happy.”
2. Others describe themselves as “unhappy.”
3. Marriage is on hold as they are preoccupied with children, career, etc.
4. Some see themselves in crisis.
5. Some are newly married and attempting to find their way.
6. A married couple may be entering a new phase (children, grandchildren, empty nest, etc.).
7. Some are stuck and not sure what to do.
8. Some are married but focused on a particular child, an in-law, a dysfunctional family system (one’s own extended family or in-laws).
9. Married couples can create an imbalanced system. One person seems to be “carrying” another. This seems to be their “normal” – for now. Often, the one carrying the other comes to a place where he/she resigns from this.
Many people describe their marriage as boring.
It is not uncommon (for a variety of reasons) to experience boredom in marriage at some point in time. However, it is another matter when we experience this and refuse to acknowledge or address it.
All of us who are married are in different places in marriage. However, those of us who are Christ-followers have at least one thing in common.
The most important issue in marriage for a Christ-follower is how we allow God to shape and form us as we relate to our spouse. This is true whether we have been married four years or forty years.
Unless we are committed to our growth and development, we will likely become dull, stagnent, and passive. If we are not being shaped by God, our marriages may be shaped more by our own selfish desires than what God wants to do through us as a couple.
When man and women become boring people, they often experience a marriage that is boring as well. One of the most common ways to create a boring marriage is to first become boring people who stopped growing a long time ago.
Their friendship with one another receives little investment. Conversation becomes boring. Romance and sex may be minimal if it exists at all. Yes, I realize that our expectations regarding marriage can be totally unrealistic. However, through neglect and selfishness, a once vibrant friendship can be reduced to something that is stagnant and lifeless.
A few suggestions:
1. Make the first move. Refuse to let passivity dominate your life! Sitting in the recliner waiting for something to happen is not what mature people do. Far too many marriages die because of the refusal to take the first step.
2. Deal with your own mess. Pray that God will give you the clarity to see your sins, your selfishness, and your stubbornness. These become clear not by comparing yourself with other people or by keeping score with your spouse. When we follow Jesus into our marriages, we will see the contrast between ourselves and him.
3. Grow together. The answer to bordom is not to find someone who seems more exciting. The answer is to commit yourself, along with your spouse, to growth and development. Do this together. If I want to avoid a boring marriage, I must first address my own life and behavior.
What might especially be helpful to couples who want to avoid long seasons of boredom in their marriage?