An important part of my ministry is teaching/preaching. When I think about this, well, it is very sobering.
So when I teach, I am supposed to have something to say. I mean — something is supposed to come out of my mouth. The question is, "What?" Someone says, "Don’t they teach you that in school (seminary)?" Well, not exactly. Now school was very important for my preparation. It gave me some tools. It gave me the opportunity to study the Bible in the original languages. I learned to think and appreciate others who think through their faith as well. I came away with such respect for those who spend their lives mining the riches of Scripture.
Ministry is never something I planned. After all, I was a student at the University of North Texas, a business major, and working for UPS part-time. After graduation, I went to work full-time for UPS. Their management track looked good and the first step was driving a truck. Yes, the brown trucks driven by the people in brown uniforms. My route was downtown Dallas. It was hard work but was a refreshing break from school. Yet, I sensed that I would not be doing this for the rest of my life.
For about a year, I had been going through a spiritual change — in fact, transformation would not be too strong. I began going to a church that I connected with. Made some really good friends. Was introduced to the writings of Francis Schaeffer and C. S. Lewis. So a year and a half after graduation from North Texas, I was back in the classroom again. I moved to north Alabama from Dallas and spent two years in a small Bible college.
After Alabama, I married, began working with a church, and then went on to graduate school in west Texas. After three long, but rich, years in Abilene, we moved back to north Alabama where I began working with a small church. While there, I commuted to Memphis where I continued going to school. Going to school was more than earning another degree. I was hungry to learn. And, I was beginning to see just how difficult ministry could be.
Yet, when I finally got out of school, I felt as if I had lost my edge. It wasn’t my tools. My tools were sharp and ready. That wasn’t it. No, I felt as if I had lost a hunger I once had. My edge had become dull. (I don’t blame that on anyone. I am just describing life as I remember it.) Later on, I realized that I had lost much of the hunger I once had for God. Restoring that hunger and growing in my affection for him became a real focus in my life.
A. W. Tozer (1949) describes this hunger well when he says,
Come near to the holy men and women of the past and you will soon feel the heat of their desire after God. They mourned for Him, they prayed and wrestled and sought for Him day and night, in season and out, and when they had found Him the finding was all the sweeter for the long seeking.
(Tozer, The Pursuit of God, p. 15)
Does any of this sound familiar to you? Do you recall a moment when you knew you had lost your "edge"?
Yes, Jim! I’ve experienced something very similar. For me, however, I "felt" the difference in my prayer life. After years of study on the ministry track, my prayer life became empty and vague. BTW, the Tozier reference is great! Being prompted to read this book afresh by one of my spiritual shepherds just a few years ago, really blessed my life. Thanks for sharing your life and heart with us.
Blessings,
-bill
Yes, I know that feeling well. I don’t have the hunger for God I had as a young man and, in some ways, that’s not a bad thing.I think I’m going through a transition between two periods of my life where some of that hunger has to return. Years of dealing with work pressures and a growing family — along with the disillusionment that can come from being in church circles for a long time — can blunt the ways that we respond to God.I’m aware again, though, that I need to recapture some of that early hunger. Older, more experienced — hopefully wiser — it’s time to be rekindled. Thanks for your site, Jim.
Jim, I can also relate to this season of sensing a loss of hunger, closeness, etc. The reasons may have been a bit different, but the effects were the same.
Coming out on the otherside is also wonderful and yet different. It isn’t a going back to something, rather it is going forward into something better than what we had before.
Good post!
Blessings in Christ Jesus!
I like that… “they mourned for Him.” If we don’t cry out for His presence, why are we surprised when our hearts are empty?
My first full time ministry was in Florida. Stayed there 8 years. The first year was exceptional. The next seven were horrible. When we moved to Long Beach, I was determined to stay here 3 years (double the time of the previous minister’s pulpit work … he had been here many years as an associate minister) then leave ministry altogether. Much of my focus those three years was "what can I do besides preach?" I’m sure others were asking the same question as my heart was in a healing process and my focus was not on this church or God. I was set on getting out. This church has done far more for me than I ever did or will do for it. We start our 14th year in April.
Wow! Lord, create that kind of hunger in me!
If engineers don’t continue to sharpen their skills the edge becomes outdated and technology surpasses them. I see that hunger in you and you are still sharpening that edge. Please don’t stop – your hunger helps others grow closer to the Lord. Thank You.
Bill,I have experienced the same kind of thing in my own prayer life.Thanks for your comment today.
Alan,Thanks for your comment. It helps me today. Your transparency and openness are such good qualities.I do think that getting to where you are is much of the battle. You seem to have very good self-awareness of what has happened and how it has impacted you.
Perry,Thanks so much for what you said. You are very encouraging.
Greg–Thanks for the wonderful witness as to the power of the body of Christ. When the church really is the church, that can be incredible. John–Thanks! L.L.–Very good point. I like that too.
Phil,Thanks.I suspect there are many who can identify with this.
I grew up in North Alabama around Florence. Mike Brooks did something very similar to you, commuting to Harding Graduate School of Religion from Muscle Shoals, AL. That was a tough one.